More jokes

[KingSargent]

Fortuneately, it was immediately apparent that it was a misprint.  The lower orders didn't come into season for another two weeks.

269227[/snapback]

Alaskan Summer bumper sticker: "If it's tourist season, why can't I shoot one?"

[Michael Eastes]

Not a joke as such, just something my brother sent me:

 

It seems that a Reuters reporter was interviewing a US Army sniper in Afghanistan. The reporter asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a person"?

 

His answer: "Recoil."

[R011]

Alaskan Summer bumper sticker: "If it's tourist season, why can't I shoot one?"

270264[/snapback]

I've heard that in some parts of Africa, as many people are illiterate, they determine what's in a can of food by the pictures on the label - picture of peas means peas in the can etc.. When baby food was first marketed there, it had the same labels as it had in the West, with pictures of babies. This caused some confusion and consternation.

[Tony Williams]

A clipping from an English parish magazine (true, this one) concerning a message from the Vicar:

 

"Will parishoners please note that the collecting bowl by the church entrance labelled 'For the Sick' is for monetary donations only."

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

[Gregory]

A clipping from an English parish magazine (true, this one) concerning a message from the Vicar:

 

"Will parishoners please note that the collecting bowl by the church entrance labelled 'For the Sick' is for monetary donations only."

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

271063[/snapback]

 

Interestingly, that relies on the use of "sick" which is somewhat uncommon in the American English - took me several readings to understand the humo(u)r.

[Tony Williams]

Interestingly, that relies on the use of "sick" which is somewhat uncommon in the American English - took me several readings to understand the humo(u)r.

271106[/snapback]

That's a pity - yet another linguistic hitch (I come across quite of few of those in talking with Americans).

 

So just to make sure, I'd better spell it out: 'the sick' has two alternative meanings in British English:

 

1. People who are unwell (how the Vicar meant it)

2. Vomit

 

TW

[Ivanhoe]

So just to make sure, I'd better spell it out: 'the sick' has two alternative meanings in British English:

 

1. People who are unwell (how the Vicar meant it)

2. Vomit

 

In the Land of Sam, there's a 3rd meaning in the vernacular; the mentally ill, as in "sick in the head." When George Galloway finally gets caught having gay sex with a sheep, an American might say "That Galloway dude is sick."

 

The first two meanings are the same here, but we probably use "sick" and "ill" differently in different contexts. Your 2nd meaning we most often use with a modified such as "airsick" or 'carsick".

 

Oh yeah, we also have "sick leave" as an employment benefit, which can also be used if one finds oneself concussed and lying in an Italian hospital for some strange reason.

Edited January 16, 2006 by Ivanhoe

[Tony Williams]

Yes, we use 'sick' in those ways too.

 

On the subject of Anglo-American incomprehension, I was at a conference in England a year or two back which was addressed by some Americans. One spent some time talking about the benefits to two adjacent colleges of building a joint shop, since they were able to share this expensive facility in delivering their courses. This was causing complete puzzlement among the audience, until one had an inspiration and said 'Oh, you mean workshop!'. She did.

 

So an English/American lexicon goes like this:

 

workshop = shop

shop = store

store is a place you put things you don't immediately need - I don't know what you call that in American!

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

[Gabe]

So an English/American lexicon goes like this:

 

workshop = shop

shop = store

store is a place you put things you don't immediately need - I don't know what you call that in American!

271468[/snapback]

 

store = storage

 

When you say "I'm going to the store" here it probably means grocery store or some other retail store.

 

Once there was a proper English lady who went into our neighborhood drugstore and told the checkout girl her son was enrolled in a highschool here and she needed to buy him some school supplies. So she asked where she might find some rubber for the boy. Mother's job is never done.

[Ivanhoe]

store is a place you put things you don't immediately need - I don't know what you call that in American!

 

Garage.

 

General terms of storage include barn, shed, warehouse, locker, etc for business/commercial contexts. Residential terms include cabinet, closet, basement, garage, shed, and then storage locker for the place one rents offsite to store all the crap that won't fit in the garage.

 

We also use shop for the place where one buys things, but its a quaint form not infrequently spelled as "shoppe" as in "The Old Brass Shoppe".

[Michael Donnelly]

Garage. 

Moe: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.

Homer: Well, what do you call it, Moe?

Moe: A car hole

[Tony Williams]

We also use shop for the place where one buys things, but its a quaint form not infrequently spelled as "shoppe" as in "The Old Brass Shoppe".

271533[/snapback]

Now that I think about it, 'shop' meaning 'workshop' used to be used in the UK as well. I recall reading that in WW1 they were having some difficulty in setting up a new shop to manufacture the COW gun. Presumably the UK usage has changed rather than the US one.

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

[SILL2]

Oh yeah, we also have "sick leave" as an employment benefit, which can also be used if one finds oneself concussed and lying in an Italian hospital for some strange reason. 

271332[/snapback]

 

Also "He called in "sick" today" or he "used one of his sick days today". An employment benefit frequently abused for purposes such as hangover recovery, and unplanned golf outing, general lazyiness/don't want to go to work today, etc.

[savantu]

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Mk 1]

Some thoughts on the differences between American English and other forms of the language...

 

If we say "shop", we usually mean retail outlet. But not a retailer of groceries. That is a store. But a shop might sell candy, or clothes, or some other non-essential goods.

 

When we say "garage", we mean the structure at our home were we store the car (if there is room between the boxes of our old war books). Brits tend to use the term "garage" in reference to a place where you can get your car repaired.

 

If our car needs repairs, we "take it to the shop", NOT "the garage". Unless we plan to do the repairs ourselves, that is. "The shop" can well mean any place that does repairs. Not only the car, but the TV, or the computer, could well be "in the shop".

 

-----

 

I had a work-mate once from the U.K. Came up through engineering. Worked for IBM in England, and thought it would be a great opportunity if he transferred to a U.S. facility.

 

So he wound up in Florida, in a U.S. engineering office full of cubicles. His first week on the job, he was getting used to the tendancy of folks to just put their heads above the partition walls and ask out loud when they needed help on something. So he decided to give it a try. Stood up, looked over the tops of a virtual sea of cubicles, and said: "Here, has anyone got a rubber?"

 

He said a lot of heads appeared above the partitions looking towards him with very odd expressions.

 

-----

 

I knew two fellows from India who had trouble with the language when they first arrived in the U.S. Both came as foriegn students to engineering universities in the West.

 

Ravindra was already married when he arrived, with his wife, for graduate studies. They came from an area in India where the cooking is all vegetarian. They had never eaten meat (well ... he did admit that they sometimes caught, killed, and ate little critters when they were kids. How daring!). Even though they were not conservative Hindus, and did not object to eating meat, his wife thought they should start out slowly. So for the first few weeks, when they went to McDonald's, they only ordered cheeseburgers.

 

Of course, I've heard some pretty good debates about whether there is, or is not, real meat in a McD's cheeseburger, but ...

 

And then there was Gulab. He arrived all alone, a young student in a big foriegn world. Never been away from home, much less travelled abroad, before he boarded his train for his plane to America. After about 16 hours of flying he wound up at JFK in New York facing a 6 hour lay-over before connecting to Salt Lake City. Jet-lagged, dehydrated, uncomfortable, and lacking confidence, he decided he just HAD to find something to eat. But what? All the food counters looked so confusing. They had crowds of pushy people in ill-formed lines, and over-head menus with lots of unfamiliar words and very few meaningful pictures. So he hung around one counter and watched what other people got. One guy ordered a "deluxe hot-dog". He received what looked, to Gulab, like a chutney sandwich. He saw the relish, the chopped onions, the ketchup and mustard. He did not see the hot-dog underneath. A chutney sandwich looked pretty safe, so he went up to the counter and asked for a deluxe hot-dog.

 

Once he received his food, he discovered, to his chagrin, the hot-dog underneath the toppings. He too came from an area with strictly veggie cuisine. Not really knowing what he had discovered in his chutney sandwich, he gathered all his courage and went back to the counter.

 

Gulab: "Excuse me, sir. I just ordered this deluxe hot-dog. I suppose there is MEAT in it?"

NY Counter Guy: "Wa the fek you talkin' bout? Course der's meat in it! Its a fekkin' HOT DOG! Wad 'd'dya THINK 'd be in it? HOT DOG."

 

... a brief pause to consider...

 

Gulab: (Pulling hot dog daintily out of bun with thumb and index finger, and examining it...) "Yes, well, I'm sorry, I'm not from around here. But, um, do you think I might have a different part of the dog?"

 

-Mark 1

[DogDodger]

I have a similar trouble-with-English story. I went to college with a guy from Croatia who signed up for his study abroad program on a whim after seeing a flier on a telephone pole. After moving into his apartment, however, he heard some scurrying coming from inside the walls. He notified the landlord that he thought he had mice, but the landlord assured him it was only chipmonks. My friend was satisfied with the landlord's calm demeanor, but promptly returned home to look "chipmonk" up in a dictionary. After reading the definiton and seeing the picture, he realized he...essentially had mice.

[KingSargent]

There was an Oriental grad student whose language didn't have an 'R' sound. Whenever he and a friend went to a Chinese eatery, he would order 'flied lice,' which just cracked his Western friend up.

 

So our hero went home and practiced assiduously until he could say it.

 

They went to the restraunt and Our Hero orders "fRied Rice!"

 

Looking at Laughing Boy, he went on, "There, you pLick!"

[Tony Williams]

When we say "garage", we mean the structure at our home were we store the car (if there is room between the boxes of our old war books).  Brits tend to use the term "garage" in reference to a place where you can get your car repaired.

In the UK we use 'garage' in both senses: as the place at our homes where we keep the car, and as the place where we get cars serviced. Although we may also use the term 'workshop' for a place that repairs cars.

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

[Ivanhoe]

Although we may also use the term 'workshop' for a place that repairs cars.

 

Once again, British English is misleading. We only use the term "workshop" as a name for places where actual work is done.

 

I'll slightly rebut Mk1's observation on "shop" vs "garage". In my experience, the common response to a question like "Where's your car?" is "Its in the shop." However, a lot of auto repair places have Garage in their title, as in Sleepy Joe's Garage.

[Michael Donnelly]

Anyway, getting back on topic!

 

Religions of the World

 

TAOISM – Shit happens.

HARE KRISNA – Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Dong.

HINDUISM – This Shit happened before.

ISLAM – If Shit Happens, take a hostage.

ZEN – What is the sound of Shit Happening?

BUDDHISM – When Shit Happens, is it really Shit?

CONFUCIANISM – Confusious Say, “Shit Happens”

7TH DAY ADVENTIST – Shit Happens on Saturdays

PROTESTANTISM – Shit won’t happen if I work harder.

CATHOLCISM – If Shit Happens I deserve it.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS – Knock, knock, “Shit Happens”

UNITARIAN – What is this Shit?

MORMAN – Shit Happens again & again & again…

JUDAISM – Why does this Shit always happen to me?

RASTAFARIANISM – Let’s smoke this Shit!

 

Moral – It’s all a bunch of Shit!

[Rod]

Lord Steve Jobs is born:

 

http://www.youtube.com/w/Jobs?v=Y3xKhLlhzfM

[Hans Strelow]

A NUN TALE

 

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He

asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.

I'll explain WHY later."

 

The nun agreed to his request.

 

A short time later, two Military Police (MPs) came running along and asked

if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

 

She replied, "He went that way."

 

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and

said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to

Iraq."

 

The nun said she could fully understand his fear.

 

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but

you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

 

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen

the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq

either."

[Hans Strelow]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 - 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 - 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 - 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park..." and the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Leo Niehorster]

FACTS TO PONDER:

 

(1) The number of physicians in the U.S. Is 700,000.

(2) The number of accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

(3) The number of accidental deaths per physician Is 0.171

 

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

----

 

Now think about this:

 

Guns:

(1) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)

(2) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(3) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188

 

Statistics courtesy of FBI

----

 

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

----

 

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

----

 

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

----

 

Please alert your friends to this Alarming Threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

----

 

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

[Steelspear]

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.

Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.

Athletic ...................... No breasts

Average looking .......... Moooo.

Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure ... On medication.

Feminist .................... Fat

Free spirit .................. Junkie

Friendship first .......... Former slut.

New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.

Open-minded ............. Desperate

Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional .............. Bitch

Voluptuous ................ Very Fat

Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat

Wants soul mate ....... Stalker