More jokes

[Geoff Winnington-Ball]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'. Soon though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated' or even "a bit cross". Londoners have not been a "bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

 

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance"; the last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.

 

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

 

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

 

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

 

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world" and "beg the British for help".

 

Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".

[Geoff Winnington-Ball]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

 

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

 

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

 

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

 

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

 

"Not to me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

[Leo Niehorster]

OK – so whose going to be "it" this time?

...

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

And yesterday – 26 October 2005 – in Berlin...

Zapfenstreich – dress uniform, (you forgot torches), and marching songs ...

[Hans Strelow]

For the non-Germanic ilk the article says that the Bundeswehr (post WWII German army) celebrated its 50th anniversary with a parade outside the Reichstag (parliament) - apparently first time it happens, for Bundeswehr that is

 

Over 1 000 demonstrators against the parade

 

 

Cheers

 

Hans

 

Edit - I'm starting to pack, how's the weather in London?

Edited October 27, 2005 by Hans Strelow

[Hans Engstrom]

I thought we'd proven that lighting fires near the Reichstag was a bad idea? It being so flammable and all.

 

 

That may have been in slightly poor taste.

[Rick]

About the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders; the reason they were caught is that the other women heard alot of noise coming from the stall. It seems the two were chewing each other out.

[X-Files]

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America. Mujibar said, "I am ready."

 

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

 

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

 

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at the Verizon help desk.

[Rick]

It would be nice if the two NFL cheerleaders would give thier version instead of beating around the bush.

[Michael Donnelly]

Just remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce!!!

 

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

 

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

11. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

[Guest Mike Steele]

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A: After 10 years your job still sucks.

[X-Files]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first

year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the

professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "Do you know what your

asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"

 

She replied "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."

[toysoldier]

She replied "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."

250736[/snapback]

 

spin off:

 

She replied "it´ll be occupied aswell".

[CT96]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[bad-dice]

A man goes to the zoo........

 

but when he arrives there's only a dog..........................................

 

 

 

it was a shitzu.

[Michael Donnelly]

Santa's troubles....

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth (yeah, I thought they were all male too ) and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Corinthian]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.  This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.  There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

252617[/snapback]

 

A local variation of this aimed at a particular all-boys highschool goes something like this:

 

The reason why there'll be no Nativity Play in said all-boys school is because no one wants to play Jesus, the shepherds, Joseph, or the angels, but all want to play Mary....

[Michael Donnelly]

(yeah, I thought they were all male too  )

I’ve been given an update buy a lady friend…

 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[crusty]

British Diplomacy!

 

 

 

 

 

How to Treat a Rude Customer

 

An award should go to the gate attendant at Heathrow airport. A crowded

London to Bangkok flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of

re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry

passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the

counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST

CLASS".

 

 

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but

I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work

something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the

passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

 

 

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address

microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention

please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the

terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW

WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate

14."

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at

the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching,

she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for

that too."

 

[Sami Jumppanen]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will

be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which

was the other possibility.

 

 

 

 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English

spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in

plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

 

 

 

 

 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will

make the sivil servants jump with joy.

 

 

 

 

 

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up

konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

 

 

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the

troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like

fotograf 20% shorter.

 

 

 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to

reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 

 

 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always

ben a deterent to akurate speling.

 

 

 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is

disgrasful and it should go away.

 

 

 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with

"z" and "w" with "v".

 

 

 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining

"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

 

 

 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

 

 

 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze

forst plas.

 

----------

[Gregory]

Kung-fu ping-pong, Matrix style.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8079411349144989883

[Tony Williams]

Not a joke so much as a famous misprint. Many years ago the society page of a certain UK newspaper contained the following item (roughly):

 

"Lord North and a party of friends are visiting his country estate for the start of the peasant-shooting season."

 

For the uninitiated, a popular upper-class pursuit is shooting pheasants...

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

[R011]

Not a joke so much as a famous misprint. Many years ago the society page of a certain UK newspaper contained the following item (roughly):

 

"Lord North and a party of friends are visiting his country estate for the start of the peasant-shooting season."

 

For the uninitiated, a popular upper-class pursuit is shooting pheasants...

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

269151[/snapback]

Fortuneately, it was immediately apparent that it was a misprint. The lower orders didn't come into season for another two weeks.

[Tony Williams]

Another one which isn't strictly a joke: it came (from memory) from a book on people's most embarrassing moments, so is supposed to be true.

 

Many years ago, a young man was invited out to a country house weekend in England. This was in the days when the upper classes could afford to own very large houses staffed by servants, and they used to invite a number of people at a time.

 

This young man had never been invited to such a grand social occasion before, so he was feeling rather nervous. Unfortunately, he was delayed and arrived very late on Friday night: the last servant to remain awake showed him to his bedroom and went off to bed. The young man needed to use a toilet, so went looking for one along the corridor (this was long before the days of en-suite facilities) but couldn't find one. In desperation, he looked under the bed and found that good old standby, the chamber pot, which he duly used.

 

Early the next morning he was too embarrassed to leave his pot full, so he went on a longer hunt for a toilet. He still couldn't find one, but passed a window next to a huge hedge. He quickly slid open the window and chucked the contents of the pot at the hedge. Unfortunately, the pot broke away from the handle and soared over the hedge, complete with contents. There was a loud crash and much tinkling noise as of broken glass.

 

He hastily beat a retreat to his room, and was beginning to relax when a servant knocked on the door and announced:

 

"Breakfast is now being served in the Conservatory."

 

Tony Williams: Military gun and ammunition website and discussion forum

[Geoff Winnington-Ball]

"Lord North and a party of friends are visiting his country estate for the start of the peasant-shooting season."

269151[/snapback]

Seems perfectly reasonable to me....

[bad-dice]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to

tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came

back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in

Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy

territory

and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her

parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot

fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more

with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi

with her bare hands."

 

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

 

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."