More jokes

[Geoff Winnington-Ball]

A fellow is standing in the forest amongst the trees talking to himself. Does that mean that although no one can hear him, he's still wrong with his wife?

[Ivanhoe]

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

 

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

 

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

 

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. (This also applies to hockey arenas)

 

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

 

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

 

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

ALSO:

 

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

[Ivanhoe]

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

 

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me." He, the ever-obedient Prince of Wales, attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck fast. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

 

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin." Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

 

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy - once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[Guest AdamMachell]

I got this from a true, non-RINO, Republican witha sense of humor. If you don't like it, oh well.

 

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate America?

[X-Files]

- from one of my crusty PSGs, recently retired:

 

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a

 

strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she

 

observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

 

Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing???" The daughter

 

replied: "Mom, I'm 35 yrs old, unmarried, and this is about as close as

 

I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."

 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the

 

other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he

 

observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his

 

query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "Dad, I'm 35 yrs

 

old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a

 

husband. Please go away and leave me alone."

 

A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed

 

the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming

 

from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her

 

husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the

 

TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

 

The wife asked: "What the HELL are you doing??" The husband replied:

 

"I'm watching football with my son-in-law".

Edited September 23, 2005 by Adam Geibel

[Fritz]

 

[Rick]

This is an old one. What is the difference between (pick any branch of the military)

and the Boy Scouts? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

[Rick]

Warning, bad mental image. Why is it that Hillary Clinton does not wear any panties? So she can get a better grip on her broom.

[Leo Niehorster]

My ex's cooking was so bad...

She used the smoke alarm for a timer

Flies pitched in and fixed a hole in the screen door

Cockroaches took dental floss and hung themselves

We prayed AFTER the meal.

[Michael Donnelly]

[Paul F Jungnitsch]

This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the

article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

 

In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male,

resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on

Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public

indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided

to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was

no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he

stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to

the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate

to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged

"need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented

with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to

notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until

Officer Brin Taylor approached him.

 

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I

walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I

just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are

screwing a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was

there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ...

 

 

 

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

[Guest Mike Steele]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

 

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several new car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregations sighs with appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 80, stands, and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!" There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's husband is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand.

Sadie answers, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

Edited September 29, 2005 by Mike Steele

[SILL2]

A popular Chicago Barber shop had a new robotic barber installed.

 

A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot began to cut his hair, it asked

him, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about

physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said, "This is really cool."

 

Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really great."

 

Later on, a third guy came in to the barber shop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70."

 

The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about Hillary running for president?"

[Michael Donnelly]

[Guest Mike Steele]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

[Leo Niehorster]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.

 

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

 

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

 

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

 

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!

[Daniel Papp]

Low-cost airline.

 

Stewardess asks the passenger:

"Would you like something to drink?"

"What are the choices?"

"Yes or No."

[Hans Strelow]

Cheers

 

Hans

[Unreal John]

Those of Sam, especially those with an interest in history, may find the following hilarious:

 

http://www.webcomicsnation.com/ericburns/s...=single&ID=8752

 

The author is careful to separate his fiction and his facts in the notes at the bottom.

[Corinthian]

Cheers

 

Hans

236336[/snapback]

 

Me likes to put this in the car as well... Items struck are steel gates and concrete pillars, among others....

[X-Files]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

 

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

 

2. Put down your car window.

 

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

 

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

 

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

 

6. Put window up.

 

7. Drive off.

 

 

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

 

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

 

3. Set the parking brake, put the window down.

 

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

 

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

 

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

 

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

 

8. Insert card.

 

9. Re-insert card the right way.

 

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

 

11. Enter PIN.

 

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

 

13. Enter amount of cash required.

 

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

 

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

 

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

 

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

 

18. Re-check makeup.

 

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

 

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

 

21. Retrieve card.

 

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

 

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

 

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

 

25. Redial person on cell phone.

 

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

 

27. Release Parking Brake.

[Harold Jones]

How To Crap Like A Man

 

1. Select reading material.

 

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"

Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

 

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

 

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without

touching the toilet rim.

 

5. Open reading material and relax.

 

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

 

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal

to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result

of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real

man.

 

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to

your legs and buttocks.

 

9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities

to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color,

consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell

people about it.

 

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the

paper before throwing it into the bowl.

 

*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on

the paper.

 

11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no

circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will

come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the

toilet.

 

12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor

(you can use it again later).

 

13. Wash your hands once.

 

14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important

to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

[Corinthian]

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to

be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly

because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

 

Pieces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are

dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do

nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

 

Aries (Mar 23 - Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are

being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends

and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are

a general dipshit.

 

Taurus (Apr 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a

dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn

and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

 

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People

like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for

too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for

thriving on incest.

 

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other

people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things

off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap.

Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

 

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think

you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate

criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.

 

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your

shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are

cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good

bus drivers and pimps.

 

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult

time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer.

Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are

whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

 

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in

business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success

because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch.

Most Scorpios are murdered.

 

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have

a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The

majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap.

 

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking

risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of

any importance. You should kill yourself.

[Daniel Papp]

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

 

Because oct31=dec25.

[Hans Engstrom]

Those of Sam, especially those with an interest in history, may find the following hilarious:

 

http://www.webcomicsnation.com/ericburns/s...=single&ID=8752

 

The author is careful to separate his fiction and his facts in the notes at the bottom.

236570[/snapback]

That was brilliant, couldn't stop reading them. I laughed so hard I was crying at the description of Mrs. Arnold.