Zaraguina Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 A french mayor invites an african (let's say from Central African Republic in 1999) mayor in France to exchange and compare skills/experience in their works.Both mayors feel good and the french mayor decides to invite his african counterpart in his secondary residence in the countryside for a diner.They arrived at secondary residence and the african mayor is astonished by a huge highway near the residence in the middle of the countryside.The french mayor smiles and tells to the african mayor : this house has been bought by bribe from the market on this highway.The african mayor smiles too and replies : I did the same thing at home, one day you will come and see it !The next year the african mayor receives his french counterpart in his secondary residence in the countryside for a diner.The african mayor points his finger in one direction and tells to the french mayor : this house has been bought by bribe from the building of this road.The french mayor look in the direction pointed by the finger of african mayor but there is no road. I like this joke, too bad it does sometimes reflect reality.
Corinthian Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 A Russian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off forthe Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler'strainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we'vedone on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel'hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that pretzel hold! Ifhe does, you're finished!" The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, theNewfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for anopening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfieand wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainerburied his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watchthe inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from thecrowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up inthe air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsedon top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alonehe asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has everdone it before!" The Newfie answered, "Well, ! I was ready to give up when he got mein that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pairof testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with mylast ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just ashard as I could." "So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!""Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you biteyour own nuts."
Guest MadMaxOnTrax Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Effective immediately, all employees are to begin receiving Special High Intensity Training. (S.H.I.T.) We here at Amalgameted Amalgamations are commited to providing our workforce with as much S.H.I.T. as is possible. Any employees who believe they are not receiving enough S.H.I.T, please notify your immediate supervisor and more S.H.I.T. will be provided. Our goal is a bunch of S.H.I.T. every day, for everyone.
Guest MadMaxOnTrax Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 How do you tell where the Amish people live in Arkansas? There's a dead horse up on blocks in the driveway.
Guest MadMaxOnTrax Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Little Known facts: In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. ------In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. ------Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. ------The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (I believe this was pushed through by the brothel owners.) ------There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time....Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgin to marry. (Let's just think for a minute;is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?--My next career!) ------In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. ------Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. ------In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. ------In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was brought about by the something like the previous example.) ------In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." ------Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. ------The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did we pay for this research??) ------Butterflies taste with their feet. ------An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. ------Starfish don't have brains. ------Turtles can breathe through their butts.180845[/snapback] We fought a war with Mexico over Texas. We lost and had to keep it.
kaikaun Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Effective immediately, all employees are to begin receiving Special High Intensity Training. (S.H.I.T.) We here at Amalgameted Amalgamations are commited to providing our workforce with as much S.H.I.T. as is possible. Any employees who believe they are not receiving enough S.H.I.T, please notify your immediate supervisor and more S.H.I.T. will be provided. Our goal is a bunch of S.H.I.T. every day, for everyone.188271[/snapback] Believe it or not, my high school chemistry teacher actually organized S.H.I.T. sessions for the weaker students in his classes. Yes, it was really called Special High Intensity Training. He was not a very popular teacher after that.
Zipperhead Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 A female environmetal activist purchases a piece of land in British Collumbia's interior to protect it from logging. On the first day she finds a old oak tree in the center of the land and climbs it to get a better view of her property. When she is almost at the top she startles a spotted owl and is attacked by the endagered spiecies. In her haste to get out of the tree she slides down much of the way getting numerous splinters in her crotch. She goes to the Doctor and explains what happened. The doctor directs her to a waiting room and promises he'll be in shortly. Three hours go by before the Dr. finaly apears to treat her wounds. The Woman angry and in pain snarls "What took so long?" "Well" the Doctor replied "I had to go to the environmental protection agency and the Forestry Department to get the necessary permits." "Premits for what?!?" the woman howls. "To remove old growth timber from a recreational area."
Ivanhoe Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 HOW THE D-DAY INVASION WOULD BE REPORTED BY TODAY'S PRESS NORMANDY, FRANCE (June 6, 1944) Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more were wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops. Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated, and that reaction against the American invasion was running high. "We are dying for no reason, "said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler." The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, thus threatening the species with extinction. A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised. "This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought," said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed." Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded, said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to 'big beer,'" said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune." Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon -- a so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before, and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years. Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by American soldiers. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at their so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored, but so far this remains unproven. Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion, and French officials are concerned that the uncollected corpses will pose a public-health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess, and we don't intend to help clean it up."
Ivanhoe Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Zipperhead Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Prime minister Paul Martin is visiting an elementary school and decides to test the pupils vocabulary... "Can any one tell me what a tragedy is?" he asks A little boy in the back of the class puts up his hand and is selected "My best friend works on a farm around lots of machinery. If he got killed by one of the machines that would be a tradgedy." "No, no." Paul Martin answers "That would be an accident." A little girl is the next to try and define the word... "Mr Prime Minister if a bus load of kids went off of a cliff would that be a tradgedy?" "No, sorry dear, that would be a great loss." answers the PM Suddenly a little boy in the front row answers. "If your plane got shot down that would be a tradgedy." "Yes!" the prime minister exclaims "Now can you tell me why?" "Well," answers the boy "It probably wouldn't be an accident and it certainly would be no great loss."
Rod Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 LETTER FROM A NC FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE> > > > > > > CORPS RECRUIT> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother> > > > > > > Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working> > > > > > > for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up> > > > > > > quick before all of the places are filled.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed> > > > > > > till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep> > > > > > > late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast> > > > > > > is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to> > > > > > > slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire> > > > > > > to lay. Practically nothing.> > > > > > > Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm> > > > > > > water.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,> > > > > > > cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops,> > > > > > > potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other> > > > > > > regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always> > > > > > > sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their> > > > > > > food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed> > > > > > > again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.> > > > > > > We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant> > > > > > > says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so,> > > > > > > it's not my place to tell him different. A "route> > > > > > > march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then> > > > > > > the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in> > > > > > > trucks.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is> > > > > > > like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is> > > > > > > like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride> > > > > > > around and frown. They don't bother you none. This> > > > > > > next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep> > > > > > > getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The> > > > > > > bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't> > > > > > > move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett> > > > > > > boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all> > > > > > > comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own> > > > > > > cartridges. They come in boxes.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat> > > > > > > training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I> > > > > > > have to be real careful though, they break real easy.> > > > > > > It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm> > > > > > > about the best they got in this except for that Tug> > > > > > > Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.> > > > > > > He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"> > > > > > > and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join> > > > > > > before other fellers get onto this setup and come> > > > > > > stampeding in.> > > > > > >> > > > > > > Your loving daughter, Carol
Corinthian Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Diary of a 6-Day Bahamas Cruise DEAR DIARY .... DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited. DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWOWe spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. DEAR DIARY .. DAY THREEI spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOURWent to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIXI saved 1600 lives today... Twice.
KingSargent Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 A veterinarian is at home when his phone rings. A frantic Little Old Lady says,"Doctor doctor! A big dog jumped my fence and he's in my yard and he's DOING IT to my poor little Fifi, what'llIdo, what'llIdo?" VET: Hit the big dog with a stick. Phone rings five minutes later: LOL: Doctor doctor! I hit the big dog with a stick and he's still DOING IT to my poor little Fifi, what'llIdo, what'llIdo? VET: Throw a bucket of cold water on them. Five minutes later: LOL: Doctor doctor! I threw water on them and the big dog is still DOING IT to my poor little Fifi, what'llIdo, what'llIdo? VET: Go out and bring both dogs into your house and place them by the telephone. Then go to your neighbor's house and call your number. LOL: But doctor, will the phone ringing make him stop DOING IT? VET: It's worked three times in the last ten minutes for ME!
Rod Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 LARK program A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Below is a copy of the response. The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. Dear Concerned Citizen: Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.Although Ahmed is sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him.Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs.Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good luck! Cordially, Don Rumsfeld Classification: UNCLASSIFIED Caveats: None Classification: UNCLASSIFIED Caveats: None -----Original Message-----From: GEE770To: jamescaplan@hotmail.comSent: Wed, 3 Aug 2005 3:00:49 PM Eastern Daylight TimeSubject: Fwd: LARK program MUST READ-short and sweet-gary Attached MessageFrom: Alan Molod <molo@comcast.net> To: Alan Molod <molo@comcast.net> Subject: LARK program Date: Wed, 3 Aug 2005 10:32:05 -0400 LARK program A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Below is a copy of the response. The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. Dear Concerned Citizen: Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.Although Ahmed is sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him.Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs.Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good luck! Cordially, Don Rumsfeld Classification: UNCLASSIFIED Caveats: None Classification: UNCLASSIFIED Caveats: None
Cinaruco Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Conversations that the airline passengers don't hear Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" =============================================== "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" =============================================== From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!" =============================================== O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffi c is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." =============================================== A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." =============================================== A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." =============================================== There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." =============================================== Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." =============================================== A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich ove rheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." =============================================== Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we cop ied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." =============================================== One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST: =============================================== The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to kn ow one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land." =============================================== While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once). The 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. Title/Name/Location [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ....................................... Initial: ....... Last Name:......................................... Password: .......................... (max. 8 char) Code Name:........................................ Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ..................... 2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20......./......./...... 4. Serial Number:................................. 5. 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Paul F Jungnitsch Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 ANGER MANAGEMENT 101 When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waitedfor.. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen.." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!" "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.
Ivan Rajevic Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.What's worse, every one knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.Also, he's been out of work for the past four years and has not even looked for a new job since.All he does is smoke cigars, and cruise around with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.Since our daughter went away to college, he does not even pretend to like me...and hints that I am a lesbian.What should I do?? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless:Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore...You're a United States Senator from New York, act like one.
Corinthian Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Describe a dead athiest: "All dressed up and nowhere to go."
Kding Posted September 2, 2005 Posted September 2, 2005 Some time in the future God is talking to Al, Bill, and Hillary. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says, "That isn't exactly what went on, but I admire your humility. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "What do you believe in?" Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" Hillary retorts, "I believe you're in my chair."
FlyingCanOpener Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 I've got a great one... Our State Government! Oh wait, it isn't funny...
Hans Strelow Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet:IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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