More jokes

[Michael Donnelly]

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."  --Drew Carey

[Guest Mike Steele]

Redneck IQ test.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

 

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

( '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or

© '64 Pontiac GTO.

 

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

 

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

 

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone

layer?

 

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

 

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

 

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

 

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

 

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

[Guest Mike Steele]

Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view). In an effort to get te nuns to move, the men decided to badger them

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, I heard there are only 100 nuns living there."

The Second Guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."

The Third Guy said, "Well, I want to go to Idaho, they say there are only 25 Nuns living there."

At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't ou all go to hell. You won't find any nuns there."

[bad-dice]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

 

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

 

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

 

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

 

 

THERE'S MORE

 

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

 

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

 

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

 

IT IS NOT OVER YET

 

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits on a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First, dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

Edited June 3, 2005 by bad-dice

[Guest Murph]

Little Known facts:

 

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

 

------

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

 

------

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

 

------

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

 

(I believe this was pushed through by the brothel owners.)

 

------

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time....Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgin to marry.

 

(Let's just think for a minute;is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?--My next career!)

 

------

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

 

------

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

 

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

 

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

 

(I presume this was brought about by the something like the previous example.)

 

------

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

 

------

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

 

(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did we pay for this research??)

 

------

Butterflies taste with their feet.

 

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

 

------

Starfish don't have brains.

 

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Turtles can breathe through their butts.

[KingSargent]

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

 

(I presume this was brought about by the something like the previous example.)

180845[/snapback]

Actually, Bolivia was almost denuded of male populace in war, so polygamy became legal to repopulate the country. Many women per man was the norm.

 

However there was usually jealousy and trouble when the woman and her daughter were involved, so that was banned to prevent public disturbances.

[Guest Hans Engström]

I'd actually assert that the law is from Paraguay, which supposedly did allow polygamy after the War of the Triple Alliance 1865-1870 (in which it is estimated between half and nine tenths of the Paraguyan population died).

 

In actuality, what happened was that the 'Spanish' male population decreased from 220 000 to less than 29 000 whilst the overall population sank with about 60%. Marriage of 'pure' women to mestizos was allowed, polygamy was not apparently officially allowed, but accepted.

[Unreal John]

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

180878[/snapback]

 

Actually, Bolivia was almost denuded of male populace in war, so polygamy became legal to repopulate the country. Many women per man was the norm.

 

However there was usually jealousy and trouble when the woman and her daughter were involved, so that was banned to prevent public disturbances.

180878[/snapback]

 

This law is straight out of the Old Testament. In Leviticus 20:14 (NIV)

 

"If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you."

 

But I doubt that the Bolivians took it so far as burning people alive.

[Ivanhoe]

Pope Benedict has already put a uniquely German spin on Communion at the Vatican;

 

[Guest Mike Steele]

Q: What do you call an eternity

A: Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop

 

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. „How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!!!"

[Geoff Winnington-Ball]

A Texan and his wife were bickering while holidaying in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

 

When the waiter arrived the Texan said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak."

 

The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

 

To which the Texan replied, "She'll have a salad."

[Hans Strelow]

SECRET OF HAPPY MARRIAGE

 

A couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the

town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

 

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

 

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the

refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12

different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

The husband didn't kno w what to do, and the only thing that he could

think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar... you know...

they have frozen glasses... "

 

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him

by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of

the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the

bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't

be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"

 

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took

out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in

blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

 

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty

words and all that...."

 

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?" LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT

THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

 

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[nitflegal]

I found this pretty darned funny but then I'm kind of sleep-deprived.

 

Kosovo music video

[Guest Mike Steele]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

 

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[Cyber_Ghost]

Here's one stupid warning:

http://www.blennus.com/index.php?option=co...&id=481&Itemid=

[Guest Hans Engström]

I found this pretty darned funny but then I'm kind of sleep-deprived.

 

Kosovo music video

185436[/snapback]

 

Here's an earlier (or so I believe) version.

 

http://ove.rsn.bth.se/bilder/Kosovosong.mpg

 

Both are very good indeed.

 

this is kind of cute

 

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/armyrillo.html

 

Just had to add the lyrics...

 

Kosovo – Shiptare Boys

 

 

Croatia, Albania, somewhere near Romania

It's Euro and NATO, why the hell do we go

Priština, blew up huh, head for Macedonia

I'll race ya

 

Somewhere far overseas

There's a place called Kosovo

That's where you don't wanna go

if you're Albanian at all

 

Protecting human rights

Air strikes and fire fights

And we'll be dropping our bombs

Wherever Serbian bad guys hide

 

Just up from Kosovo

 

Somalia, Grenada, or rescuing Kuwait yeah

We screwed up Rwanda, wish we coulda helped ya

Iraqi embargo, that's where got hustled

 

Ooo so now we're helping out in Kosovo

We'll kick their ass

And then we'll see how it goes

And then we really don't know

Good luck to Kosovo

 

Milo-so-vitch, you sorry son of a bitch

 

Every time we go

To little places like Kosovo

We never really know what happens after we go

Tough luck for Kosovo

 

Croatia, Albania, somewhere near Romania

It's Euro and NATO, why the hell do we go

Priština, blew up huh, head for Macedonia

 

Well we're heading down to Kosovo

We'll kick their ass

And then we'll see how it goes

And then we really don't know

That sucks for Kosovo

 

Somalia, Grenada, or rescuing Kuwait yeah

We screwed up Rwanda, wish we coulda helped ya

Iraqi embargo, how it is we don't know

 

Ooo I wanna take you down to Kosovo

We'll get there fast

And then we'll take it slow

That's where we wanna go

Way down to Kosovo

[WRW]

ai burglar is working his way through the living room when he hears ' Jesus is watching you'

 

he swings the flashlight around the room but sees nobody

 

 

again he hears 'Jesus is watching you'

 

this time he locates the source - a parrot sitting high on a perch.

 

whats you name he says.

 

'Moses' replies the parrot

 

'what sort of person would call their parrot Moses' he says

 

'The same type of person who calls their rotweiller Jesus' replies the parrot

[Guest Hans Engström]

http://www.drbukk.com/gmhom/park.html

 

ah, the music...

 

http://movies.flabber.nl/Madonna.wannabe/

 

I like this...

[Zaraguina]

I hope it hasn't been posted yet.

But even after hendred of time, I still find this music great.

I still wonder who is the author and or performer ... Mike Steele perhaps ?

The sound here !

[Guest Mike Steele]

Signs of being a Redneck....

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Guest Mike Steele]

Redneck horoscopes....

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

 

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

 

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

 

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

 

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

 

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

 

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

 

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although your whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

 

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

 

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

 

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

 

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

[Hans Strelow]

ybe it has been here before:

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball]

Priceless...

 

Subject: Fw: Community Service

 

One day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the Barber goes to open up, there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Later a Conservative comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Conservative is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank-you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business, and Becoming more successful".

 

Then a Liberal comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." Liberal is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Liberals lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[Ivanhoe]

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:

 

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.

 

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

 

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man,who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

 

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

 

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

 

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

 

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

 

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

 

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

 

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

 

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman!

[Zipperhead]

Ivanhoe, what's your point????

 

Here's on both sides of the political spectrum can enjoy...

 

 

Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

 

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

 

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.