More jokes

[Guest Mike Steele]

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole 'drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one' routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time for me to go home."

[Cinaruco]

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number. (NOT the area

code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2.

 

Or you can avoid the misdirection and tell someone :

 

1. Take the first 3 numbers of your phone number (not the area code)

2. Multiply by 10000.

3. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.

 

Whoa!  looks like your phone number!

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The second one worked... the first didn't.

[Gregory]

The second one worked... the first didn't.

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That's because you have a wrong phone number.

[Cinaruco]

A British goes to a spanish teacher to learn how to properly pronounce.

Teacher: Say ah

Student: Aye

Teacher: Ah

Student: Aye, I'm sayying it right daymn it.

The teacher sighs frustrated.

Student: Can Aye use the Baythroom?

Teacher: Sure, but to flush the toilet you have to pull a lever behind the toilet.

 

The Sutents take a piss and leans to flush the toilet, he has no pants on. The Brit didn't know that the lock of the restroom had been tampered with. The teacher bursts in and slammed a bambu stick on the students ass.

 

Student: Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Ayeeeeeee.... and after a minute.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

 

After five minutes the teacher removes the stick, the student turns around.

 

Student: What the hell was that about, I come into your bathroom and you f*ck me from behind. Aaaaa, damn it.

Teacher: Come tomorow and I show you the "B"

[T19]

: Cardinal Hans Grapje]

 

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as

ayoung man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII

and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, bothAllied and enemy.

 

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. He was elevated to Cardinal in 1995.

 

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree that he will never ascend to the Papacy.He was not even considered during the last election.No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

[Guest Mike Steele]

: Cardinal Hans Grapje]

 

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as

ayoung man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII

and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, bothAllied and enemy.

 

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too  severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. He  was elevated to Cardinal in 1995.

 

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree that he will never ascend to the Papacy.He was not even considered during the last election.No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

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You sir are a disturbed and sick,sick man.

[Guest Mike Steele]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Guest Mike Steele]

Redneck engineers

 

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to Find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!

We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[Guest Mike Steele]

A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin and an alert cop pulls him over.

 

Cop says: "Where have you been?"

 

The guy says: "To the pub"

 

Cop says: "Well you know, a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car"

 

The drunk guy says: "Oh thank heavens, for a minute there I thought I'd gone deaf"

[sabotshooter 88]

A Brooklyn woman wishes to get a tatoo and ask the tech to tatoo pictures of Roberto Duran the inner portion of her thigh near her crotch. She also ask that on the other leg, the tech tatoo the picture of Oscar De La Hoya; and adds "when I rub my thighs togetha they can fight over whats in between." After the tatoo tech finishes his job he ask her for $100 bucks. She looks at the tatoos and says, "this does not look like Duran and that does not look like De La Hoya!" She refuses to pay him. He takes her to small claims court. On the court date, the judge ask to look at the evidence. Because of the tatoos are in such a private area, he calls the woman into his chambers. She shows the judge her tatoos and the judge says, "you know, this does not look anything at all like Duran, and that looks nothing at all like De la Hoya, but the one in the middle is without question, "Don King!"

[Guest Mike Steele]

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not

just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive

Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she

would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.

[WRW]

there are 3 good reasons to believe that Jesus was Black:

 

He called everyone "Brother"/"Sister"

He liked Gospel

He could not get a fair trial.

 

WRW

[Guest Mike Steele]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Remember the rules of life:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

 

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

 

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

[Ivanhoe]

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

Edited May 7, 2005 by Ivanhoe

[Guest Mike Steele]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go

out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .. "DAMNIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[Guest Mike Steele]

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York’s finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry you're Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[Unreal John]

Things are taking a turn for the worse even out here on the range. Why, just last night I heard this cowpuncher utter a discouraging word when he found his dear and an interloper playing...

[Mk 1]

Found on another forum:

Seals vs. Green Beret

 

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

 

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

 

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it.

 

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

 

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

 

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

 

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

 

"How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"

 

-Mark 1

[Cookie Monster]

Things are taking a turn for the worse even out here on the range.  Why, just last night I heard this cowpuncher utter a discouraging word when he found his dear and an interloper playing...

173273[/snapback]

 

 

Totally missing the catch. Please enlighten me?

[Unreal John]

Totally missing the catch.  Please enlighten me? 

 

Refers to a traditional song generally known to Those of Sam-

 

http://www.50states.com/songs/kansas.htm

 

 

[Gregory]

OK, so this black guy goes to teach English in a Japanese Middle School (or three)...

 

I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

 

http://outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html

[Guest Mike Steele]

A young woman in Cheboygan, Michigan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."

[Guest Mike Steele]

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

[Guest Mike Steele]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

 

--Author Unknown

 

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

 

--Author Unknown

 

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

 

--Drew Carey

 

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"

 

--Rod Stewart

 

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

 

--Jeff Foxworthy

 

6) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

 

--Author Unknown, Presumed Deceased

 

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

 

--Dave Barry

 

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

 

--Bob Ettinger

 

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

 

--Paula Poundstone

 

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh'... "

 

-Conan O'Brien

 

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

 

--Lynda Montgomery

 

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

 

--Richard Jeni

 

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

 

--Johnny Carson

 

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

 

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."

 

--Jerry Seinfeld

 

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

 

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

 

--Oscar Wilde

 

19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."

 

--Mark Twain

 

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!"

 

--A. Whitney Brown

 

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

 

--Robin Williams

 

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

--Roseanne

 

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -

 

-Billy Crystal

 

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

 

--Dave Barry

[Paul F Jungnitsch]

OK, so this black guy goes to teach English in a Japanese Middle School (or three)...

 

I haven't laughed so hard in ages. 

 

http://outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html

175396[/snapback]

 

Wow, that is hilarious.