Fritz Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by aevans:A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on. The resident guru, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." The guru turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. This is no joke. This has been happening to me all the time, me in the role of the guru (not that I'm a guru, just experienced). Serious
Coldsteel Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by Ol Paint:9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future: X Nuclear Weapon
Ivanhoe Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Mk 1 Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Found this headline while travelling in the South-West yesterday: Teacher Arrested At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." -Mark 1
Adam Peter Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by aevans:A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on. The original version On Windows it usually works...
Guest SILL Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan." The teacher asks, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan." The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, My mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so that makes me a George Bush fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
Brad Edmondson Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers, typically women, who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom.
Zipperhead Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 A pilot on an airplane makes the standard landing announcement to the passengers and resumes his conversation with the co-pilot without tuning off his microphone. The co-pilot asks; "What are you going to do on the lay-over." The pilot responds; "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is take a sh*t, then I'm going to screw that stewardess with the big boobs." The stewardess is in the tail section of the aircraft when she hears the conversation broadcast for all to hear and she starts to run toward the cockpit. About half way there she trips on a handbag in the aisle. As she scrambles to her feet the owner of the bag, a old woman looks at her and says;"There's no need to rush dear, he said he was going to have a dump first."
Unreal John Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Office wall decoration of the month: "'DEJA MOO': the feeling that you've heard this bulls*** before."
Mk 1 Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on thefront door. A monk answered, listened to the man's storyand graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber inwhich to sleep.The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound. The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car,he asked about the sound that had woke him. "We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell youabout the sound.You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for his kindness and went on hisway. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later the man happened to be driving inthe same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if hemight be permitted to spend another night under theirpeaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed withthem again. Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound.The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound.You're not a monk." By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. Hedecided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally establishedas a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently,the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a thirdof gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before... * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
Corinthian Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news." Husband: "Just give me the good news dear. I'm in a meeting." Wifey: "Okay. The airbags of our brand new BMW works."
Paul F Jungnitsch Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Mk 1 Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 Originally posted by Paul F Jungnitsch:A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Let me guess... the blind guys name was "Sherman", and the black belt's name was "Tiger", right? -Mark 1
Paul F Jungnitsch Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 Originally posted by Mk 1:Let me guess... the blind guys name was "Sherman", and the black belt's name was "Tiger", right?-Mark 1 Always ragging on the Sherman, you. It's a fine tank, and one day you will have to admit that.
toysoldier Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by TomasCTT:Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news." Husband: "Just give me the good news dear. I'm in a meeting." Wifey: "Okay. The airbags of our brand new BMW works." i heard a version of it that goes Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news." Husband: "Just give me the good news dear. I'm in a meeting." Wifey: "Okay. Am not frigid."
Leo Niehorster Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Why did the chicken cross the road? George Bush’s AnswerWe don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. John Kerry’s AnswerWhile serving in Vietnam, I was in favor of the chicken crossing the road. Then later I realized that there were those who needed the chicken on this side of the road. Now I would like to see the chicken on the other side of the road, unless of course it would be better served to be on this side of the road. Ideally, I think the chicken should be in the middle of the road. Bill Clinton’s AnswerI did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? Bill Gates’ AnswerI have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. Martha Stewart’s AnswerNo one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. Dr. Seuss’ AnswerDid the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I’ve not been told! Ernest Hemingway’s AnswerTo die. In the rain. Alone. Martin Luther King Jr.’s AnswerI envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Grandpa’s AnswerIn my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Barbara Walters’ AnswerIsn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. Ralph Nader’s AnswerThe chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas guzzling SUV. Jerry Seinfield’s AnswerWhy does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?” Pat Buchanan’s AnswerTo steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. Jerry Falwell’s AnswerBecause the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ”the other side.” John Lennon’s AnswerImagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. Aristotle’s AnswerIt is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Saddam Hussein’s AnswerThis was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Captain Kirk’s AnswerTo boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Albert Einstein’s AnswerDid the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Sigmund Freud’s AnswerThe fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. L.A.P.D.’s AnswerGive us ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out. Richard Nixon’s AnswerThe chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Buddha’s AnswerIf you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature. Joseph Stalin’s AnswerI don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet. Louis Farrakhan’s AnswerThe road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the ”black man” in order to trample him and keep him down. The Pope’s AnswerThat is only for God to know. Emily Dickensen’s AnswerBecause it could not stop for death. O.J. Simpson’s AnswerIt didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Gregory Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 http://img77.exs.cx/img77/2888/catapult1id.gif and the sequel http://www.fendahleen.com/nerf/catapult.gif
sabotshooter 88 Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, What time of night do you call this? Where have you been? and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop"!!!!!!!!!!!
X-Files Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Thirty-four years ago, Everett Davis, a Tennessee Mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked out several of his teeth. On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Armybarber sheared his head. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.
Daniel Papp Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 December 12, 1941, morningRosevelt is being briefed by the his advisors.- Anything happened today worth mentioning?- Well, we can say. Hungary declared war on us.- Hungary... This small European country, is this a republic?- No it is a kingdom.- And who is the king?- Errr... The head of state is a retired Rear Admiral, Miklós Horthy.- Admiral? So we must be worried about the Hungarian Fleet.- Not really. Hungary is, fortunately landlocked, so they have no fleet whatsoever.- Landlocked? Does Hungary have any disputes with its neighbors?- They have territorial claims on Slovakia and Romania.- So Hungary is an enemy of Slovakia and Romania.- No, Hungary is allied with them.
ballynafeighbluedog Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 what did st patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of ireland?are youse all right in the back there lads.
X-Files Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 (edited) Snort. Guffaw. Choke. http://www.rentagerman.de/ Edited March 19, 2005 by Adam Geibel
John Dudek Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 Snort. Guffaw. Choke. http://www.rentagerman.de/155526[/snapback] My brother and I were having a beer, the other day. He looked at me and said. "I'm going to buy a strobe light for my bedroom." "Is that so?" I answered. He replied. "Yeah. That way, the next time I'm making love to the wife, it'll look like she's actually moving!"
Mk 1 Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Snort. Guffaw. Choke. http://www.rentagerman.de/155526[/snapback] Found under the customer reviews on that very site: Adam G., 48 (San Francisco): “It was awesome! Having a German at the office for a week was a huge success! Since then, my relationship with my co-workers has improved big time! I’ll definitely do it again- It was, like, “oh my god, this is so it!” Adam, did you REALLY rent a German????? Was it the one in the picture???? -Mark 1
swerve Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. "Turd burglar" means something rather different over here. Someone who likes a bit of chocolate on his biscuit. Brown hatter. Fudge packer. etc.
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