More jokes

[Fritz]

Originally posted by aevans:

A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on.

 

The resident guru, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."

 

The guru turned the machine off and on.

 

The machine worked.

 

This is no joke. This has been happening to me all the time, me in the role of the guru (not that I'm a guru, just experienced). Serious

[Coldsteel]

Originally posted by Ol Paint:

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

 

X Nuclear Weapon

 

 

[Ivanhoe]

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

 

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

 

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

 

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

 

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Mk 1]

Found this headline while travelling in the South-West yesterday:

 

Teacher Arrested  

 

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

 

At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

 

-Mark 1

[Adam Peter]

Originally posted by aevans:

A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on.

 

The original version

 

On Windows it usually works...

[Guest SILL]

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

 

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

 

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

 

The teacher asks, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

 

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

 

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

 

The boy says, "Well, My mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so that makes me a George Bush fan!"

 

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

 

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

[Brad Edmondson]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

 

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

 

 

 

CROP DUSTING

 

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

 

 

FLY BY

 

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

 

 

ESCAPEE

 

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

 

 

JAILBREAK

 

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

 

 

COURTESY FLUSH

 

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

 

 

WALK OF SHAME

 

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

 

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

 

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.

 

 

 

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

 

A group of co-workers, typically women, who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

 

 

SAFE HAVENS

 

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

 

 

 

TURD BURGLAR

 

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

 

 

CAMO-COUGH

 

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

 

 

ASTAIRE

 

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

 

 

 

WATERMELON

 

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

 

 

HAVANA OMELET

 

A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the

toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

 

 

 

UNCLE TED

 

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom.

[Zipperhead]

A pilot on an airplane makes the standard landing announcement to the passengers and resumes his conversation with the co-pilot without tuning off his microphone.

 

The co-pilot asks;

"What are you going to do on the lay-over."

 

The pilot responds;

"Well, the first thing I'm going to do is take a sh*t, then I'm going to screw that stewardess with the big boobs."

 

The stewardess is in the tail section of the aircraft when she hears the conversation broadcast for all to hear and she starts to run toward the cockpit. About half way there she trips on a handbag in the aisle.

 

As she scrambles to her feet the owner of the bag, a old woman looks at her and says;

"There's no need to rush dear, he said he was going to have a dump first."

[Unreal John]

Office wall decoration of the month:

 

"'DEJA MOO': the feeling that you've heard this bulls*** before."

[Mk 1]

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a

beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the

front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story

and graciously invited him to spend the night.

 

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in

which to sleep.The man thanked the monks and slept

serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful

sound.

 

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car,

he asked about the sound that had woke him.

 

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you

about the sound.You're not a monk."

 

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he

thanked the monks for his kindness and went on his

way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the

source of the alluring sound.

 

Several years later the man happened to be driving in

the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and

asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he

had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he

might be permitted to spend another night under their

peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with

them again.

 

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound.

The following morning he begged the monks to explain the

sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound.

You're not a monk."

 

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He

decided to give up everything and become a monk, for

that was the only way he could learn about the sound.

He informed the monks of his decision and began the

long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

 

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established

as a true member of the order. When the celebration

ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and

asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently,

the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He

opened the door with a golden key. That door swung

open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third

of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve

doors, each more magnificent than the last.

 

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he

finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful

mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...

 

*

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

[Corinthian]

Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news."

 

Husband: "Just give me the good news dear. I'm in a meeting."

 

Wifey: "Okay. The airbags of our brand new BMW works."

[Paul F Jungnitsch]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Mk 1]

Originally posted by Paul F Jungnitsch:

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

Let me guess... the blind guys name was "Sherman", and the black belt's name was "Tiger", right?

 

-Mark 1

[Paul F Jungnitsch]

Originally posted by Mk 1:

Let me guess... the blind guys name was "Sherman", and the black belt's name was "Tiger", right?-Mark 1

 

Always ragging on the Sherman, you. It's a fine tank, and one day you will have to admit that.

[toysoldier]

Originally posted by TomasCTT:

Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news."

 

Husband: "Just give me the good news dear.  I'm in a meeting."

 

Wifey: "Okay.  The airbags of our brand new BMW works."

 

i heard a version of it that goes

 

Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news."

 

Husband: "Just give me the good news dear. I'm in a meeting."

 

Wifey: "Okay. Am not frigid."

[Leo Niehorster]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

George Bush’s Answer

We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

John Kerry’s Answer

While serving in Vietnam, I was in favor of the chicken crossing the road. Then later I realized that there were those who needed the chicken on this side of the road. Now I would like to see the chicken on the other side of the road, unless of course it would be better served to be on this side of the road. Ideally, I think the chicken should be in the middle of the road.

 

Bill Clinton’s Answer

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

 

Bill Gates’ Answer

I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

 

Martha Stewart’s Answer

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

 

Dr. Seuss’ Answer

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

 

Ernest Hemingway’s Answer

To die. In the rain. Alone.

 

Martin Luther King Jr.’s Answer

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 

Grandpa’s Answer

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

Barbara Walters’ Answer

Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

 

Ralph Nader’s Answer

The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas guzzling SUV.

 

Jerry Seinfield’s Answer

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?”

 

Pat Buchanan’s Answer

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

 

Jerry Falwell’s Answer

Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ”the other side.”

 

John Lennon’s Answer

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

 

Aristotle’s Answer

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

Saddam Hussein’s Answer

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

Captain Kirk’s Answer

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 

Albert Einstein’s Answer

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

Sigmund Freud’s Answer

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 

L.A.P.D.’s Answer

Give us ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

 

Richard Nixon’s Answer

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

 

Buddha’s Answer

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

 

Joseph Stalin’s Answer

I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

 

Louis Farrakhan’s Answer

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the ”black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

 

The Pope’s Answer

That is only for God to know.

 

Emily Dickensen’s Answer

Because it could not stop for death.

 

O.J. Simpson’s Answer

It didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time.

[Gregory]

http://img77.exs.cx/img77/2888/catapult1id.gif

 

and the sequel

 

http://www.fendahleen.com/nerf/catapult.gif

[sabotshooter 88]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very

taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William

Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea

for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

 

As soon as he got through the door his wife started

on about, What time of night do you call this? Where have you been? and on

and on.

 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and

poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the

bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

 

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the

wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay

of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented

a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

 

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's

rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

 

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

 

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud,

Woman, don't you ever stop"!!!!!!!!!!!

[X-Files]

Thirty-four years ago, Everett Davis, a Tennessee Mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

 

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked out several of his teeth.

 

On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Armybarber sheared his head.

 

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.

 

The Army is still looking for him.

[Daniel Papp]

December 12, 1941, morning

Rosevelt is being briefed by the his advisors.

- Anything happened today worth mentioning?

- Well, we can say. Hungary declared war on us.

- Hungary... This small European country, is this a republic?

- No it is a kingdom.

- And who is the king?

- Errr... The head of state is a retired Rear Admiral, Miklós Horthy.

- Admiral? So we must be worried about the Hungarian Fleet.

- Not really. Hungary is, fortunately landlocked, so they have no fleet whatsoever.

- Landlocked? Does Hungary have any disputes with its neighbors?

- They have territorial claims on Slovakia and Romania.

- So Hungary is an enemy of Slovakia and Romania.

- No, Hungary is allied with them.

[ballynafeighbluedog]

what did st patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of ireland?

are youse all right in the back there lads.

[X-Files]

Snort. Guffaw. Choke.

http://www.rentagerman.de/

Edited March 19, 2005 by Adam Geibel

[John Dudek]

Snort. Guffaw. Choke. 

 

http://www.rentagerman.de/

155526[/snapback]

 

 

My brother and I were having a beer, the other day. He looked at me and said. "I'm going to buy a strobe light for my bedroom."

 

"Is that so?" I answered.

 

He replied. "Yeah. That way, the next time I'm making love to the wife, it'll look like she's actually moving!"

[Mk 1]

Snort. Guffaw. Choke. 

http://www.rentagerman.de/

155526[/snapback]

 

Found under the customer reviews on that very site:

 

Adam G., 48 (San Francisco):

“It was awesome! Having a German at the office for a week was a huge success! Since then, my relationship with my co-workers has improved big time! I’ll definitely do it again- It was, like, “oh my god, this is so it!”

 

Adam, did you REALLY rent a German????? Was it the one in the picture????

 

-Mark 1

[swerve]

TURD BURGLAR

 

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

"Turd burglar" means something rather different over here. Someone who likes a bit of chocolate on his biscuit. Brown hatter. Fudge packer. etc.