More jokes

[KingSargent]

And one to bring up the fact that it was because of Allanbrooke we are actually having th change the light bulb.

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And to point out that if it was not for Lend-Lease there would not be a light bulb...

[R011]

And to point out that if it was not for Lend-Lease there would not be a light bulb...

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And to point out that we could have changed that bulb a year earlier if we didn't change the one in the other room instead.

 

And then one to point ou that we didn't have the right kind of bulb that year.

 

And then one to . . .

 

[Not to mention one to claim it's part of a plot by FDR to deliver America into Joe Stalin's clutches]

Edited April 20, 2006 by R011

[bad-dice]

And to point out that if it was not for Lend-Lease there would not be a light bulb...

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[TankYank]

After seeing some of the other jokes here, this one should be OK.

 

Little Jonnie glimpsed his parents making love one evening and later asked his mother why she was bouncing up and down on Dad. Mom was a bit flustered and told the kid that sometimes Dad gets air in his stomach and needs a little help forcing it out. Little Jonnie told Mom she was wasting her time because whenever she goes out shopping, the neighbor lady comes over and reinflates him.

[Unreal John]

For those whose significant others are readers of massed-produced romance novels, here is your revenge:

 

http://www.worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/

[Ivanhoe]

There's some funny blog entries concerning electric cattle fences at;

 

http://neanderpundit.com/archives/2006_03.html

 

some profane language here and there, but skip past the general ranting and political stuff and hit the Fence Charger stuff.

[Tony Williams]

Nice true story from the Land of Uk (and bad spelling):

 

Little Johnny is off sick with diarrhoea (diarrhea in US?), so his mum writes a note to his teacher explaining that he is away with 'dire rear'. Many a true word...

[KingSargent]

OK all you furriners, laugh....

 

The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington,

D.C. Travel Agent of 30+ years:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair

wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

~~~~~~~

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I

started to explain the length of the flight and the passport

information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look

stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape

Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.' Her response

... (click).---------- ~~~~~~

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I

asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting

an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is

in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the

map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

~~~~~~~

'I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England

from Canada?"

I said, "No."

She said, "But they look so close on the map."

~~~~~~~~

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a

car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a

1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he

said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive

between the gates to save time."

~~~~~~~~~

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was

possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at

8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but

she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the

plane went very fast, and she bought that!

~~~~~~~~~

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical

description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,

"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,

they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that

is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into

it!" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for

Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag

on her luggage.

~~~~~~~

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After

going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to

California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

~~~~~~~

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know

which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight

number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

~~~~~~~

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to

get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

~~~~~~~

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in

order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded

him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never

had to have one

of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When

I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time

they have accepted my American Express!"

~~~~~~

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from

Chicago to Rhino, New York"

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's

the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked

up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!Ý Everyone knows where it is. Check

your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You

don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

~~~~~

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

[Tony Williams]

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

316435[/snapback]

Reminds me of the old joke: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography"

[sabotshooter 88]

1. Teaching Math In 1950

 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

 

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

 

 

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

 

 

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

 

 

5. Teaching Math In 1990

 

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

 

 

6. Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

[WRW]

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

------------

 

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong

finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

------------

 

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband

Wanted"

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said

the same thing:

"You can have mine!"

-------------

 

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better

revenge than to let her keep him.

--------------

 

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she

is finished.

-------------

 

A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

------------

 

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some

parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

 

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

------------

 

Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got

married, and by then, it was too late."

--------------

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over

intelligence.

---------------

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict

attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

---------------

 

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go

through life thinking they had no faults at all.

--------------

 

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

-----------------

 

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to

love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.

 

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

----------------

 

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife

and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the

ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,

and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end

of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of

YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

 

 

 

WRW

[SILL2]

Subject: Bears and religion

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

 

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the evening praising Jesus."

 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

 

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Rod]

The Evolution of Dance

 

[RIPper]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

 

"OH NO!" George Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

 

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

 

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

 

 

 

* me quickly run away and hides *

[Michael Eastes]

Texas Preacher

 

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

 

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

 

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

 

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."

So she said come right on in.

 

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

 

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

 

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

 

And the preacher said......................................................

 

 

 

"Hello, Darlin!!"

[Jim Wade]

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

[RIPper]

There are 10 kinds of people on this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

 

yeah it's a bad joke outside the IT folk

[nitin]

Said to be true, fwiw, but havent checked:

 

 

"I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with lotah in one hand and dhoti in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female women on plateform. I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station. This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake. Otherwise I am making big report to papers."

 

 

Okhil Chandra Sen wrote this letter to the Sahibganj divisional railway office in 1909.

 

 

It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi. It was also reproduced under the caption "Travelers' Tales" in the Far Eastern Economic Review.

 

 

Any guesses why this letter was of historic value?

It apparently led to introduction of TOILETS in trains"

[Guest Murph]

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

 

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

 

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

 

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

 

A: One is a low down, scum sucking bottom feeder. The other is just a fish.

 

 

 

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

[Tony Williams]

Not exactly a joke, but rather comical nonetheless:

 

I often read book reviews (it saves a lot of time) and came across two comments about separate books dealing with the abdication of Edward VIII in order to marry Wallis Simpson.

 

In one, about Edward, he is reported to have confided in a friend that Wallis was the only woman who had ever satisfied him sexually.

 

In another, about Wallis Simpson, she is described as an expert fellatrice who paid a courtesan for professional training to polish her skills.

 

The inevitable conclusion from putting these two nuggets of information together is that Edward VIII gave up the throne for the sake of a good blowjob.

 

An interesting sense of priorities...

[Ivanhoe]

The inevitable conclusion from putting these two nuggets of information together is that Edward VIII gave up the throne for the sake of a good blowjob.

 

Ah, so that's where the phrase "head of state" comes from.

[Gregory]

An interesting sense of priorities...

326110[/snapback]

Given how little fun it looks to be the King of England, I think he made the right choice.

[Tony Williams]

Given how little fun it looks to be the King of England, I think he made the right choice.

326794[/snapback]

It was a lot more fun in those days - you could do whatever you liked and the press were far too deferential to spill the beans.

[SILL2]

.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash

 

The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather.

 

 

National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination pilot error contributed to the accident, and the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR [instrument flight rating] conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

 

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

 

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft.

 

We all were very lucky.

[Tony Williams]

My two favourite messages on food packets:

 

"WARNING! This product may contain nuts!" (on a packet of nuts...)

 

And on a packet of rock salt: "This salt was mined from deposits laid down two million years ago. Best before April 2007."