More jokes

[Steelspear]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

[Steelspear]

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

[Hans Strelow]

[Hans Strelow]

I wonder why I thought about tanknetters when I saw this

---

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came

upon an Iraqi terrorist/insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite

side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious

state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to

both men,the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along

the highway here, and coming south was that heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the

road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife

scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a

good-for-nothing, fat, left-wing liberal drunken murderer."

So I yelled "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean

spirited woman!", and he retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does

Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking

hands,when a truck hit us."

[SILL2]

I wonder why I thought about tanknetters when I saw this 

---

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came

upon an Iraqi terrorist/insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite

side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious

state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to

both men,the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along

the highway here, and coming south was that heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the

road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife

scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a

good-for-nothing, fat, left-wing liberal drunken murderer."

So I yelled "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean

spirited woman!", and he retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does

Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking

hands,when a truck hit us."

286569[/snapback]

 

That's Hillary RODHAM Clinton to you.

[Guest Mike Steele]

Concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

" Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer.

Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, BEEF STEW!"

 

Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

 

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said

[KingSargent]

Boris is walking down a Moscow street and kicks a bottle. A genie appears and says it will grant one wish. Boris is drunk, so he says, "I want to always have the world's finest vodka available to me wherever I go."

 

The genie says, "Okay, your urine is now the finest vodka. When you want a drink just pee in a glass and drink." POOF! the genie vanishes.

 

Boris staggers on home and decides to give it a try. He pees in a glass and it is nice clear liquid. He sips cautiously and it is the finest vodke he has ever tasted and he has tasted a lot.

 

Boris calls his wife, "Natasha! Come see! We drink!!!" Natasha reluctantly tries it and then joins him enthusiastically.

 

Every night Boris comes home and sets out two glasses; "Natasha! Come, we drink!!"

 

One night he cries, "Natasha! Come, we drink!!" But there is only one glass.

 

Natasha asks, "Boris, why is there only one glass?"

 

"Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"

[KingSargent]

What is the difference between acne and a pedophile?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Acne comes on the face after puberty.

[Tony Williams]

The UK Parliament recently passed a law which (wef 2007) bans smoking in all public buildings, including bars, on the grounds that the people working in them should not be subjected to passive smoking.

 

Joke on TV: you can still smoke at home, but if a burglar breaks in you must immediately stub out any cigarettes because you're now in his place of work...

[Geoff Winnington-Ball]

Husband's Excuses:

 

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

 

During the last year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have

succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The

following is a list of why I did not succeed:

 

1. The sheets are clean............................ 54 times

2. It's too late...................................... 17 times

3. I'm too tired..................................... 49 times

4. It's too early..................................... 20 times

5. Pretending to be asleep......................... 15 times

6. It's too hot....................................... 15 times

7. The neighbors will hear us..................... 3 times

8. Headache......................................... 22 times

9. Sunburn........................................... 7 times

10. Your mother will hear us....................... 9 times

11. Not in the mood................................. 43 times

12. You will wake the baby........................ 17 times

13. Watching the late show......................... 6 times

14. New hairdo...................................... 5 times

15. Too sore.......................................... 16 times

16. The wrong time of the month................... 12 times

17. We have to get up early.......................... 19 times

 

Of the 36 times that I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory

because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you told me that there was a

crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over

with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I

was afraid that I had hurt you because I felt you move.

 

 

Wife's Excuses:

 

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

 

I think you have gotten things a little confused, here are the real

reasons you did not get more than you did.

 

1. Came home drunk and tried to **** the cat............ 5 times

2. Did not come home at all................................. 36 times

3. Did not come............................................. 21 times

4. Came too soon........................................... 33 times

5. Went soft before you got in............................ 19 times

6. Toes in a cramp.......................................... 10 times

7. Working too late......................................... 38 times

8. Have to get up early to play golf....................... 29 times

9. In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls............ 2 times

10. Caught it in your zipper................................. 4 times

11. Got a cold and your nose kept running................ 3 times

12. Coffee was too hot and you burnt your tongue....... 3 times

13. You had a splinter in your finger....................... 2 times

14. Lost the notion after thinking about it all day........ 20 times

15. Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book..... 6 times

16. Too busy watching football on T.V................... 98 times

 

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid there was because you

missed and were ****ing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in

the ceiling, what I said was "WOULD YOU PREFER ME ON MY BACK OR

KNEELING?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was

trying to breathe.

[SILL2]

The Flying Dueces

 

or The New Laurel & Hardy brought to you by the Peoples Republic of Mass-a-two-shits

Edited February 24, 2006 by SILL2

[SILL2]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long........

 

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,

"How can I best serve my country?"

 

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

 

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...

"How can I best serve my country?"

 

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

 

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.... Hillary says,

"How can I best serve my country?"

 

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

[Panzermann]

I hope this one was not posted here yet:

 

 

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, Idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious Man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You Know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

 

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

 

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Hans Strelow]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[Sardaukar]

New computer visuses...:

 

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

 

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

 

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory

 

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

 

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

 

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

 

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

 

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

 

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

 

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

 

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM,

But your processor doesn't care

 

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

 

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy . Then discards it through Windows

[Tony Williams]

Two (true) stories illustrating the perceptive intelligence which exists in British local government elected representatives:

 

One Lancashire County Councillor in a debate on educational standards:

"I have it on good authority that in a recent maths exam half of our children scored less than the average mark, and that just isn't good enough!"

 

One Aberystwyth Councillor in a debate about the way the university was steadily buying up properties in the town:

"This university is like an octopus - steadily spreading its testicles throughout the town!" (Although given the priorities of most male students, that might not be too far off the mark...)

[Hans Strelow]

http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub...op-soapbox4.swf

 

About forwarding e-mails

 

Cheers

 

Hans

[KingSargent]

Subject: Well known proverbs

 

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had twenty-five students in her class and presented each child the first half of a proverb, asking them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind that these are first

graders.....6-years old, because the last one is a classic!

 

1. Don't change horses ............... until they stop running.

 

2. Strike while the ............... bug is close.

 

3. It's always darkest before ............... Daylight Savings Time.

 

4. Never underestimate the power of ............... ter mites.

 

5. You can lead a horse to water but ............... how?

 

6. Don't bite the hand that ............... looks dirty.

 

7. No news ............... impossible.

 

8. A miss is as good as a ............... Mr.

 

9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.

 

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .... stink in the morning.

 

11. Love all, trust ............... me.

 

12. The pen is mightier than the ............... pigs.

 

13. An idle mind is ............... the best way to relax.

 

14. Where there's smoke there's ... pollution.

 

15. Happy the bride who ............... gets all the presents.

 

16. A penny saved is ............... not much.

 

17. Two's company, three's ............... the Musketeers.

 

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............... you put on to go to bed.

 

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ......... you have to blow your nose.

 

20. There are none so blind as ... Stevie Wonder.

 

21. Children should be seen and not .......... spanked or grounded.

 

22. If at first you don't succeed ...... get new batteries.

 

23. You get out of something only what you ............ see in the picture on the box.

 

24. When the blind lead the blind ..... get out of the way.

 

And the WINNER and last one!

 

25. Better late than ............... pregnant.

[Garry Redmon]

Trivia about Albert Einstein.

 

Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

 

It is called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. He is famous for it.

[RIPper]

How many forum members to change a lightbulb???

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[R011]

How many forum members to change a lightbulb???

307152[/snapback]

No more than three as on TN, the thread will veer off into H..P. Lovecraft or gog flatulence after the first few posts.

[Michael Donnelly]

Other addendums particular to this grate site:

 

1 to post URL’s to how light bulbs where used in a highly unusual and unlikely incident involving and overly elaborate and exotic, yet tragic news event

1 to post a link to a previous Thread, 2 months old concerning changing the exact same light bulb

1 to post 6 months from now thus resurrecting the thread and giving information regarding a new and improved light bulb

20 to post on changing a light bulb in a political context

5 to post in order to make derisive comments about the person who changed the light bulb political affiliations

5 to post other humorous and highly irrelevant jokes on the different ways of changing a light bulb

2 to post information/URL’s on how light bulbs contribute to global warming

13 to post contradictory information on why it is impossible to tell if light bulbs contribute to global warming

1 to post how country X’s light bulbs suck

3 members from country X to post in order to attack the quality of the previous poster’s country of origin light bulbs

1 MODERATOR to post warnings so as to bring order and civility back to the thread

7 to post prayers honoring said MODERATOR

1 post from a new member

1 post from a seasoned member in response to the previous posters message to direct him/her to the “Who am I and where am I calling from?” thread

2 to post examples and quotations in popular American cartoons, films or TV shows, which relate to changing a light bulb

1 to post something under the guise of “Mr. Picky” regarding the threads per inch of the light bulb

1 to post how the light bulb’s threads per inch relate to the wear plate bolts on an M1

1 to post how changing light bulbs culd go on and on

Edited April 6, 2006 by Michael Donnelly

[Corinthian]

Adolf Hitler once said that his only love was Germany. Indeed, he loved it so much he screwed it.

 

That's what you call f*cking up the Fatherland....

[Ivanhoe]

Shamelessly stolen from accuratereloading.com;

 

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

 

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

 

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

 

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

 

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

 

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

 

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

 

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

 

"That wicked old b*stard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

[bad-dice]

How many forum members to change a lightbulb???

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

307152[/snapback]

 

And one to bring up the fact that it was because of Allanbrooke we are actually having th change the light bulb.