More jokes

[Guest Mike Steele]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.......

 

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

 

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

 

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

 

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

 

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

 

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

 

 

[Guest Mike Steele]

Once upon a time, there were 3 friars who decided to go into the flower business together.

 

As a result of their hard work, they had a very successful business, until one day some neighborhood children ran into their backyard and were gobbled up by some man-eating flowers the friars were growing.

 

The parents of the neighborhood demanded that the friars destroy the plants, but the friars refused.

 

So the parents got the town's blacksmith, whose name was Hugh, to run the friars out of town.

 

And the moral of the story is: Hugh, and ONLY Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[Guest Mike Steele]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven........

 

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.......

 

The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these....They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

 

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question....The Queen lifts her skirt, drops her panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

 

The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

 

Dolly is outraged..."What, was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down"... "She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

 

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

[Paul F Jungnitsch]

A Dog's Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

 

Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

9:30 am - OH BOYI A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

 

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

 

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

 

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

 

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

 

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

 

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

Excerpts from a Cats Diary

 

DAY 752- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.. must try this on their bed.

 

DAY 766- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.. .Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

 

DAY 768-I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

 

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

 

DAY 774-I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time -

[Rick]

A man asks his dentist how much would it cost to pull a sore tooth.

Dentist: $100.

Man: that's to much, can you do it cheaper?

Dentist: well, without anesthesia I can do it for $75.00.

Man: well, that is still to much?

Dentist: O.K., I can pull it without anesthesia and my Craftsman pliars for $50.00.

Man: Oh, that is still expensive!

Dentist: Look, I can have my fairly new assistant do it without anesthesia, and using

my pliars for $20.00!

Man: O.K., that will be fine, when can I get my wife in

[Guest Mike Steele]

Hillary addresses Native Americans...

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of

the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She

spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every

Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the

first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator,

how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

 

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed

most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and

brothers."

 

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a

plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud

Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

 

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come

to select the new name given to the Senator.

 

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of

shit it can no longer fly.

[Guest Mike Steele]

Math Games...

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number. (NOT the area

code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2.

Do you recognize the answer?

 

[Leo Niehorster]

...

Do you recognize the answer?

 

 

No.

[Stargrunt6]

This is no joke. This has been happening to me all the time, me in the role of the guru (not that I'm a guru, just experienced). Serious 

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Reminds me when of the many times when I was younger I'd try to start a lawn mower, edger, or blower, but to no avail. My dad would step in, give it one yank, and it would start. To make it worse, he'd look at me and say "what's the problem? It works fine!"

 

Peace,

 

MCab

[Wobbly Head]

The pope gets to heaven and is met by St peter at the gate

 

I am sorry your hollyness but every one must be judged before I can let anyone in.

 

Just then a scruffy little man walks up and St Peter waves him through

 

What did he do to get into heaven before me asks the pope

 

he's an (insert city of choice) taxi driver replys St Peter

 

I am the holliness the head of the catholic church why do you let a taxi driver in before me? ask the pope

 

Because he has put the fear of god into more people in one day than you did in your entire life replied St Peter.

[muzza]

Math Games...

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number. (NOT the area

code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2.

Do you recognize the answer?

 

161658[/snapback]

 

 

Very cool - although someone somewhere has waaay too much time on their hands

[Chris]

Very cool - although someone somewhere has waaay too much time on their hands 

162551[/snapback]

 

 

Wrong, tried it four times and got four times a wrong result. Perhaps german phone numbers don't work.

[DB]

Wrong, tried it four times and got four times a wrong result. Perhaps german phone numbers don't work. 

165168[/snapback]

 

Should work with every seven digit number.

 

David

[Kding]

Should work with every seven digit number.

 

David

165194[/snapback]

 

 

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number. (NOT the area

code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2.

 

Or you can avoid the misdirection and tell someone :

 

1. Take the first 3 numbers of your phone number (not the area code)

2. Multiply by 10000.

3. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.

 

Whoa! looks like your phone number!

[DB]

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number. (NOT the area

code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2.

 

Or you can avoid the misdirection and tell someone :

 

1. Take the first 3 numbers of your phone number (not the area code)

2. Multiply by 10000.

3. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.

 

Whoa!  looks like your phone number!

165209[/snapback]

 

Yes, exactly. Of course, if the Germans use eight digit or more numbers *the ones in the middle will be missing*.

 

If anything else is happening, Chris needs a new calculator...

 

David

[Guest Mike Steele]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria.

 

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

 

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

 

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

 

Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony

 

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:

 

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

 

Love, Momma

 

Lesson: Never lie to your Momma

[Mk 1]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter

of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into

other people's business. Several members were

unappreciative of her activities, but they feared her

enough to maintain their silence.

 

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,

a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his

pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar

one afternoon.

 

She commented to George and others that everyone

seeing it there would know what he was doing.

 

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment

and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or

deny, he said nothing.

 

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup

in front of Mildred's house and left it there all

night.

 

 

 

-Mark 1

 

(Who fervently hopes "George" was a neutral enough name not to spur further idle speculation...)

[Corinthian]

One day, a little boy stared at his mom and said "I know everything." His mum was shocked and then gave the boy a dollar to keep quiet. Apparently, his mum was having an affair and thought the boy knew, so she bribed him to keep quiet. In fact, the boy didn't know anything.

 

The boy, used his new found powers and went to his dad, staring at him, and saying "I know everything." The father, also an adulterer, thought the boy knew, and so he bribed the boy to keep quiet.

 

The boy, now really happy, waited for the postman and said the same thing to him "I know everything."

 

With that, the postman smiled, knelt, and said: "Oh I am so proud! Come here my son!"

[Guest Mike Steele]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP!

> 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

> 2. Having $ex in a twin bed is out of the question.

> 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

> 4 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

> 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

> 6. You watch the Weather Channel.

> 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

> 8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

> 9 Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

> 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next

> door won't turn down the stereo.

> 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

> 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

> 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

> 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

> 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!

> 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

> 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,

> rather than settle, your stomach.

> 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms

> and pregnancy tests.

> 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

> 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

> 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going

> to drink that much again."

> 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

> 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

> 25 You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that

> doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

> Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know

> they'll enjoy it & do the same.

[Martin M]

The tele-number game :

 

Considering the first three digits called for group a.

And the last 4 digits group b.

 

The multiplying with 80 and then with 250 ( and at the end dividing by 2 ) puts the first group in the 10000 position.

Further +1 creats a term for the 1, 10, 100 and 1000 position, which gets a present of 250 plus the group b number , plus group b number again, then they take away the 250 again and divide the doubled b group by 2 , which is b again.

 

Group a was set at the 10000 position and group b just got fooled around with.

Adding them is your number.

 

Not quite mathematical, really, ok.

 

Edited April 21, 2005 by Martin M

[Michael Donnelly]

This list was sent to me from a Mother of two boys and later corroborated by my own Mother!

 

Titled: Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

 

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. (Her story checks out!)

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

[R011]

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. (Her story checks out!)

166657[/snapback]

Ok. I have Clorox, now I need some brake fluid and a place to mix them. Somehow, I fear my condo management would be distraught if I did it in my bathroom.

[Corinthian]

Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.

 

St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.

 

He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

 

St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

 

Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done..."

[Sami Jumppanen]

Ok.  I have Clorox, now I need some brake fluid and a place to mix them.  Somehow, I fear my condo management would be distraught if I did it in my bathroom.

166731[/snapback]

 

 

What exactly is Clorox?

[DB]

What exactly is Clorox? 

167341[/snapback]

 

Dunno what you call it, but we call it "bleach".

 

http://pmep.cce.cornell.edu/profiles/miscp...pochlorite.html

 

Sodium hypochlorite (do not inhale deeply)

 

David