More jokes

[Hans Strelow]

The first Bush joke that made me laugh:

 

Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy," he says. "And what is your question, Billy?"

 

 

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 

 

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name "Steve, he says" "And what is your question, Steve?"

 

 

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Billy ?

[Sami Jumppanen]

http://www.users.qwest.net/~holtumgm/Iraq1.wmv

 

Video clip is less than 1.5 mb:s, but connection seems bit slow.

[Ivanhoe]

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.

 

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

 

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

 

"God, if You take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed.

 

And *POOF* just like that, her ears fell off.

[Hans Strelow]

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

 

Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

 

Son : "I will choose my own bride."

 

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

 

Son : "Well, in that case..."

 

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates

 

 

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

 

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

 

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

 

Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

 

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

 

 

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

 

President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

 

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

 

President : "Ah, in that case....."

 

 

That's how business is done!

[Michael Donnelly]

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez

oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two

of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

 

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

[Guest SILL]

Sorry fake http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/fakenews.htm

 

Originally posted by Michael Donnelly:

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez

oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two

of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

 

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

[Yish]

Old, but funny- even if you don't roleplay.

http://www.albrunothethird.com/homepagefra...ame2rpgnet2.htm

[Brad Edmondson]

FEMALE PRAYER:

> >> > Before I lay me down to sleep,

> >> > I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

> >> > One who's handsome, smart and strong,

> >> > One who loves to listen long,

> >> > One who thinks before he speaks,

> >> > One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

> >> > I pray he's gainfully employed,

> >> > When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

> >> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

> >> > Massages my back and begs to do more.

> >> > Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,

> >> > Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"

> >> > I pray that this man will love me no end,

> >> > And never attempt to hit on my friend.

> >> > And as I pray beside my bed,

> >> > I look at the clown you sent me instead.

> >> > Amen

 

MALE PRAYER:

> >> > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac

> >> > with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.

> >> > Amen.

[Fritz]

Real Life vs The Internet

http://www2.syndicategaming.net/download/rlvi.wmv

[Guest SILL]

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up---fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

 

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

 

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good he'll go out to the alley with some guys and makes love with them for money. "

 

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

 

"No," said Johnny, "mommy says he's a US Senator for Massachusetts, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

[Guest DwightPruitt]

You know why you'll never see a TV show called "Kentucky CSI"?

 

There are no such thing as dental records and the DNA is all the same.

[T19]

Is this true???

 

Difference between a Republican and a Democrat?

 

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street

when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave

the homeless person his business card and told him to

come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars

out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

 

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to

another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked

over to the homeless person and gave him directions to

the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's

pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

 

Now you understand the difference between Republicans

and Democrats

[T19]

Originally posted by Brad Edmondson:

[i

MALE PRAYER:

>   >> > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac

>   >> > with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.

>   >> > Amen. [/i]

 

Ah Brad, I think that's Geoff's prayer http://63.99.108.76/ubb/biggrin.gif Course he adds she has to own a bren gun carrier or CMP too!!

[yuval]

An American tourist in England walks around in London at 01:00 AM and suddenly realises he must pee. So he goes into a side ally and just as he unzips his pants he feels an arm holding him on the shoulder, he turns around and sees a cop. The cop tells him that he cannot piss in that side alley and takes him to another alley. The American looks around him and sees a magnificent garden, with fountains and beautifull grass and flowers. So he pissed there, and then turned around to talk to the cop.

"Thank you very much officer. Say, is this what you call English courtassy?"

"No, this is what we call France embassy."

[Guest Mike Steele]

Originally posted by T19:

Is this true???

 

Difference between a Republican and a Democrat?

 

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street  

when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave  

the homeless person his business card and told him to  

come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars  

out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.  

 

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to  

another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked  

over to the homeless person and gave him directions to  

the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's  

pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.  

 

Now you understand the difference between Republicans  

and Democrats  

 

 

I could say yes, but then I'd be spouting propaganda, (even if it is true )

[Guest Mike Steele]

Cowboy Logic ----- or How I Decided How To Vote

 

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses & an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

 

Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...

 

..........Now give me back my dog.

__________________________________________________

[Guest Mike Steele]

President Bush and the Pope are sailing down the Potomac on the Presidential yacht. The wind blows the Pontiff's cap off and it falls into the water. President Bush orders the yacht stopped, gets off and walks across the water to retrieve the Pope's cap.

 

The next day's headline in the New York Times reads: BUSH CAN'T SWIM.

 

 

Poor John Kerry ~

He throws away someone else's medals. He drives someone else's SUV. He marries someone else's wife. He inherits someone else's money. I think we should all vote for him to go be president of someone else's

country.......

 

 

 

 

[Edited by Mike Steele (12 Oct 2004).]

[Guest Mike Steele]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine

spring day in his downtown Boston, Massachusetts, Parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He noticed, however, that there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

 

Believing that it might have been a mascot of the Democratic Party of Boston, he promptly called US Senator Kerry's

office for assistance. He dialed the Senator's office:

 

"Good morning. This is Senator Kerry. How may I help you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at Saint Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

 

Senator Kerry, considering himself to be quite a

wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my

understanding that you people of the cloth took care of last rites!" There was silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, and true it is, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

[Ol Paint]

From A Soviet Document: "One of the serious problems in planning against Canadian doctrine is that the Canadians do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine."

========================================

A German General Officer: "The reason that the Canadian Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the Canadian Army practices chaos on a daily basis."

========================================

Anonymous 1st Canadian Division Staff Officer: "If we don't know what we are doing, the enemy certainly can't anticipate our future actions!"

========================================

Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

 

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position). The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement. Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

 

The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

 

From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports.

========================================

On July 20 , 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" were televised to Earth and heard by Millions.

 

But, just before he reentered the lander he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

 

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space program.

 

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

 

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

 

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom window.

 

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

 

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

 

Douglas

[Ol Paint]

There's a story about a C-124 and an F-4 on intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main long ago. The F-4 driver asked Ground what the Globemaster's intentions were. It is said that the C-124 pilot opened the clamshell doors in the nose and announced, "I'm going to eat you."

 

And, on a related note, this classic:

 

Military Aircraft Registration Card...

McDonnell Douglas

 

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

 

Important! Important! Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.

 

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. __Mr. __Mrs. __Ms. __Miss __Lt. __Gen. __Comrade __Classified __Other

 

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

 

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________

 

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

 

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

 

__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-117A Stealth __Classified

 

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________

 

4. Serial Number____________________

 

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

 

__Received as Gift/Aid Package

__Catalog Showroom

__Sleazy Arms Broker

__Mail Order

__Discount Store

__Government Surplus

__Classified

 

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

 

__Heard loud noise, looked up

__Store Display

__Espionage

__Recommended by friend/relative/ally

__Political lobbying by Manufacturer

__Was attacked by one

 

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

 

__Style/Appearance

__Kickback/Bribe

__Recommended by salesperson

__Speed/Maneuverability

__Comfort/Convenience

__McDonnell Douglas Reputation

__Advanced Weapons Systems

__Price/Value

__Back-Room Politics

__Negative experience opposing one in combat

 

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

 

__North America

__Central/South America

__Aircraft Carrier

__Europe

__Middle East

__Africa

__Asia/Far East

__Misc. Third-World Countries

__Classified

 

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

 

Product Own Intend to purchase

 

 

Color TV

VCR

ICBM

Hunter-Killer Satellite

CD Player

Air-to-Air Missiles

Space Shuttle

Home Computer

Nuclear Weapon

 

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

 

__Communist/Socialist

__Terrorist

__Crazed (Islamic)

__Crazed (Other)

__Neutral

__Democratic

__Dictatorship

__Corrupt (Latin American)

__Corrupt (Other)

__Primitive/Tribal

 

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

 

__Cash

__Suitcases of Cocaine

__Oil Revenues

__Deficit Spending

__Personal Check

__Credit Card

__Ransom Money

__Traveler's Check

 

12. Occupation, You and Your Spouse:

 

Homemaker __

Sales/Marketing__

Revolutionary__

Clerical__

Mercenary__

Tyrant__

Middle Management__

Eccentric Billionaire__

Defense Minister/General__

Retired__

Student__

 

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

 

Activity Interest You Your Spouse

 

 

Golf

Boating/Sailing

Sabotage

Running/Jogging

Propaganda/Disinformation

Destabilizing/Overthrow

Default on Loans

Gardening

Crafts

Black Market/Smuggling

Collectibles/Collections

Watching Sports on TV

Wines

Interrogation/Torture

Household Pets

Crushing Rebellions

Espionage/Reconnaissance

Fashion Clothing

Border Disputes

Mutually Assured Destruction

 

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

 

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

 

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

Marketing Department

Military Aerospace Division

P.O. Box 800

St. Louis, MO 55500

 

Douglas

 

[Edit: Formatting and to say that, yes, I am aware that not all of the products listed by the warranty card are McDonnell-Douglas aircraft.]

 

[Edited by Ol Paint (13 Oct 2004).]

[NickM]

Sill: The Exxon Valdez one is fake but a few years back there was a similar case by the Marin County Marin Mammal Center; they had a couple of rehabbed sea lions who were taken out to the Farallones to be released; one was stuck & killed by a great white shark(it was the elephant seal breeding season) & the other made it to shore;

Hans:

I heard a similar joke except it was for Slobodan Milosovich; he was giving a lecture in a Serbian School; just change the names from American to Serbian & Iraq to Croatia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Slovenia & you get the drift!

 

NickM

[APF]

No more pills needed

Might not be considered work save.

 

Greetings

[Brasidas]

Originally posted by Ol Paint:

<snip>

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

 

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Sex!  You want sex?!  You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

 

Douglas

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm

 

Would have been nice if true though.

[Ol Paint]

Originally posted by Brasidas:

Originally posted by Ol Paint:

<snip>

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

 

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Sex!  You want sex?!  You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

 

Douglas

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm

 

Would have been nice if true though.

 

Well, I got it off of a joke site, so I didn't even consider whether the story was true. I'll leave it up for the humor.

 

Douglas

[Guest aevans]

A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on.

 

The resident guru, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."

 

The guru turned the machine off and on.

 

The machine worked.