Field rations of the world

[Jim Martin]

Considering I don't exactly know how to squat and shit, being constipated is a Good Thing.

 

Medicjim: BWUHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Considering our ancestors were doing it for the 300,000 or so years since H. Sapiens Sapiens made an appearance, trust me, it just comes naturally. Do remember to bring TP, trust me that leaves and grass are unpleasant alternatives.

[Typhoid Maxx]

You, first encountering Serb military food I didn't shit for the better part of two weeks...when I did (on a classic Serb squatting toilet, doors removed due to a suicide attempt so everyone walking the corridor couldn't help to see you) the world fell out of my ass.

 

Anybody else have a similar experience?

[Jim Martin]

You, first encountering Serb military food I didn't shit for the better part of two weeks...when I did (on a classic Serb squatting toilet, doors removed due to a suicide attempt so everyone walking the corridor couldn't help to see you) the world fell out of my ass.

 

Anybody else have a similar experience?

 

 

I recall for a few weeks in Boot Camp everyone was talking about how their sh!t had turned an unnaturally bright neon green. No joke.

[X-Files]

World's Best MRE Story - who cares if it's bullshit.

 

MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of

view of a young Marine.

 

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the

girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally

settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten

before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field

rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each

meal.

 

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic

packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-

king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some

dehydrated/rehydrat ed rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in

one pan, sauté in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended

the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush

that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended

everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for

about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like,

well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops

of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green

sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly

things on it, it looks fancy right?

 

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five

packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated

it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous

xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voilaanger Pudding.

 

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special

Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it

sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of

"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).

It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the

electrolytes I guess... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

 

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the

table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff

is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at

the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

 

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE

spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the

food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!! !" We dug in, and she loved the

food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make

it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking

fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but

after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses

during dinner.

 

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed

with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?

Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!

 

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest

room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"

and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let

the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air

Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good)

and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the

bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is

WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the

porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet

paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

 

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair

instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,

kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she

ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come

out for 30 minutes.

 

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so

hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a

slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO

idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep

running to your bathroom!!"

 

I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later

on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed

it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used

MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she

had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she

turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000

calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I admitted

it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called

me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally

did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall.

She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high

caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,

unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.

 

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was

the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been

so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears

on the couch.

 

I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

[Murph]

Yes, Graf 1985, when I finally shit after a week it felt like I was giving birth to an alien life form.

 

You, first encountering Serb military food I didn't shit for the better part of two weeks...when I did (on a classic Serb squatting toilet, doors removed due to a suicide attempt so everyone walking the corridor couldn't help to see you) the world fell out of my ass.

 

Anybody else have a similar experience?

[Archie Pellagio]

The canned cheese in Australian army rat packs is commonly used as a, err, blocking agent in the field.

Using it for more than three days however can result in a birth-like experience however...

[shep854]

When preparing C-rats, you had to be careful with the heat; too warm and you got the trots--too cold and you locked up.

[EchoFiveMike]

I've heard people screaming from the shitter. I wish I was kidding.

 

Then again, it might have been some of that DADT action. S/F....Ken M

[ShotMagnet]

World's Best MRE Story - who cares if it's bullshit.

Funny, even if it's not true.

 

I suspect however that it bears at least a passing resemblance to the truth. I've done and seen something closely similar, a couple of times.

 

 

Shot

[Rick]

I've heard people screaming from the shitter. I wish I was kidding.

 

Then again, it might have been some of that DADT action. S/F....Ken M

 

1980, heard the same thing a short time after our LST's visit to Recife, Brazil. Only it was screamed

from the individuals in front of the urinals. Gonorrhea. It seemed the shot line was almost as long as the

chow line.

[Sardaukar]

Never had anything stuck inside that deadly combo of Mug of Coffee followed with Pint of Beer could not dislodge very quickly. Not gonna be pretty "birth" though, if you want to try it.

[Typhoid Maxx]

Never had anything stuck inside that deadly combo of Mug of Coffee followed with Pint of Beer could not dislodge very quickly. Not gonna be pretty "birth" though, if you want to try it.

 

...uh...DADT, please...the less said, the better...

[Sardaukar]

...uh...DADT, please...the less said, the better...

 

Exit only, mate! Exit only!

[Rubberneck]

When I was a 2LT at Knox, we had to eat MRE's for the better part of a week during the exercise formerly known as the "10 Day/7 Day/5 Day" war...after seven days I finally shat...I swore the first turd was a block of petrified shit that almost shattered the bowl of the shitter.

 

Fucking brutal.

 

As for other horrific MRE meals, any sort of Tuna A La Thing, Dead Mans Fingers aka hot dogs, the noxious Corned Beef Hash (with a 1/4 inch layer of jelly and some kind of nasty juice) and the horrific Ham and Egg Omlette have all caused major intestinal distress...

[Harold Jones]

When I was a 2LT at Knox, we had to eat MRE's for the better part of a week during the exercise formerly known as the "10 Day/7 Day/5 Day" war...after seven days I finally shat...I swore the first turd was a block of petrified shit that almost shattered the bowl of the shitter.

 

Fucking brutal.

 

As for other horrific MRE meals, any sort of Tuna A La Thing, Dead Mans Fingers aka hot dogs, the noxious Corned Beef Hash (with a 1/4 inch layer of jelly and some kind of nasty juice) and the horrific Ham and Egg Omlette have all caused major intestinal distress...

 

 

I always liked the corned beef hash and the omelette, especially if I had a full sized bottle of Tabasco handy. Fortunately I'm blessed with an iron stomach and never had any problems digesting or passing MREs. I did discover during the lead up to the ground war that t-ration chili and rice turned me into a methane factory. Much to my crew's horror we were fed this stuff 4 to 5 times a week during the lead up to the ground war.

[T19]

I loved our IMP's.

You are right about the love of all things Tomato. I was on ex once and the guys thought it would be funny to feed me Beans and weeniers for every breakfast for a week, chilli for lunch and Ravatolili for dinner.

 

After the 4th day I could fart O'Canada at will... and of course I ordered hatches closed.. for the tactical experiance

 

Every 6th day we would ge Fresh Rations supliment of eggs, bacon, bread, peanutbutter, fresh milk.. Life was great

[X-Files]

MOSCOW, May 19 (Reuters) - Russian Interior Ministry troops were fed dog food earlier this year to save money, a former officer in the ministry said on Thursday.

 

A rare whistleblower in Russia's expansive security forces, ex-Major Igor Matveyev said officers tried to cover up the scandal and other alleged wrongdoing at the Interior Ministry troops base where he served in the far east city of Vladivostok.

 

http://www.trust.org/trustlaw/news/whistleblower-says-russian-troops-fed-dog-food

 

*

 

So the other day, news broke that many of the fast-food joints serving troops in Iraq are slated to close this summer due to continued troop withdrawals. Bummer! (Not the withdrawal part.) Whether the likes of Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, and T.G.I. Fridays belong in war zones in the first place has long been a point of contention: depending on whom you ask, they're either a nice amenity for our hard-fighting troops, or a resource-draining luxury for lily-livered patsies. Agree to disagree.

All of which got me to thinking about what, exactly, the food scene — if you can even call it that — looks like when you're thousands of miles from home in the middle of a hostile desert (and no, I'm not talking about Vegas). Herein, some context-free reflections on wartime grub from two bona fide fighting men, Captain Lex and Captain Robin of the British Armed Forces. Both have sampled more than their fair share of British and American chow during tours in Afghanistan. Take it away, fellas....

 

 

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/fast-food-at-war-5761787#ixzz1MobCzECs

Edited May 19, 2011 by X-Files

[Rick]

How do the C-Rats of the early 1980's compare with the MRE's of mid-1980's? I've had the

former several times as a doc with the Marine infantry, but only had the MRE's a few days on

one excercise. I think the C-Rats had the edge in taste but the years roll by.

[X-Files]

When America entered the war, Spam became both the boon and bane of troops. Because it was so easy to transport in large quantities, and had a long shelf life, tons of it—ultimately more than 150 million pounds—accompanied them. Though the services purchased luncheon meats made by other companies, all looked alike. As Spam was the most famous of them, all such meats came to be called Spam. It wasn’t long before the troops, seemingly served Spam three times a day, seven days a week for the duration, got thoroughly sick of the stuff.

 

http://www.defensemedianetwork.com/stories/a-war-won-with-spam-and-a-few-other-things/

[X-Files]

Edited May 25, 2011 by X-Files

[Jim Martin]

The first runs of MRE's were of scandalously low quality, never mind the heinous meals included in them (dehydrated pork patty which could double as a trauma plate, anyone?)

 

Growing up on Guam, I'd always been filching my parents' store of C Rations to go play "War" with my friends. We kept several cases to use after typhoons (we went 2 weeks without power after one typhoon).

 

So, when I was getting ready for college in summer 1987, I went to the Commissary with my Mom. We saw a huge table piled high with MRE's that the USAF was "excessing" as they were nearing the end of their life cycle. Mom says, "you liked C Rats, why don't you take some of these with you to college so you have something quick to eat if you miss mealtime in the dining room?" I was down with that.

 

One day in the student lounge, I break open a MRE of Chicken a la King, and dig into it. I feel something abnormally hard and crunchy. Spit it back out into my spoon...large and small chunks of GLASS. The entire meal was full of broken glass. Fortunately I didn't swallow any or cut up my mouth, but I still shudder thinking what might have happened.

 

Shortly after that, 60 Minutes did an investigative piece on the slipshod quality of MRE's. Troops opening their meals to find maggots. One whistle blower at a plant said Federal inspectors came through and found the company had a huge vat of apple sauce for packaging in MRE's. There was an automated can opener which opened cans of apple sauce to be dumped into the vat. The can opener was defective, and putting out huge amounts of sharp metal shards from the can, which were also dumped into the vat. The inspectors demanded the entire batch of apple sauce be dumped out. The whistleblower said that instead, that night Management had them all come in after work, and they used a huge magnet on a rope to dip down into the vat to try to remove metal shavings from the apple sauce. It was then packaged and put into MRE's.

 

We don't hold nearly enough firing squads in this country.

 

I will say that during my service, the quality of the foods (not talking about the taste necessarily, just the purity) definitely seemed to have improved.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Jim Martin

[Red Ant]

I've had my share of EPa during my Bundeswehr service (98/99), and unlike many of my company comrades I actually quite liked them, especially the cookies.

 

http://i.ebayimg.com/00/$%28KGrHqUOKjkE29zTBlvOBN555JV5r!~~_35.JPG

[Mr King]

PIzza MRE in the works

 

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/02/14/holy-grail-military-meals-nears-pizza-that-lasts-up-to-three-years/

[Colin]

We got US rations in Germany, normally we traded them for beer with the kids (dads beer) and pooled our money to buy local food.

[Mr King]

Guy reviews a 30 year old US MRE. From what I remember of the box of those era MRE's I had as a kid, the crackers and cheese spread were horrible to begin with, and the hot coco was almost positively hydrophobic in nature. It being impossible to mix fully with hot or cold water.

 

http://youtu.be/QM--9rEvTJU